10250 North Freeway @ West Road
Houston, Texas 77037
Tel: (281) 447-8484

Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Five Danger Zones

Chapter Thirty

This chapter is not designed to be taught, it is designed to be read. For that reason, it is not written in outline form; but rather, in standard paragraph form, with highlited points along the way.

It is my hope that every reader of this book will linger long on this chapter. This chapter can especially help dating and married couples. It has been well said, "To be forewarned is to be forearmed." During many years of counseling, it has been my observation that most couples get into marriage troubles ignorantly. In fact, due to negligence and ignorance in dating, many a couple sows the seeds of marriage failure before ever saying "I do."

Had someone pointed out the rattlesnake in the trail, they'd have spontaneously avoided him, yet ignorance brought no efforts toward prevention. Many a young wife has not realized the profound danger of running to mother with her husband's shortcomings. Many a young marriage prospect has not seen the glaring danger of marrying someone who does not hold similar Christian convictions. So, they rush right into a danger zone, where angels fear to tread. It takes only a short trip into Proverbs to see the value of wisdom. I truly pray that the warnings of danger zones presented here will enable many to avoid them. Many a time my mother used to say, "Son, an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure." Amen! It is far, far easier to prevent marriage problems than to cure them.

The information here is actually a summary of the little counseling session I present to the couples who come to see me about getting married. It is the kind of information each couple should consider very soberly during dating. As I have told many a couple, the information given here is a discussion of the real birds and bees. As another chapter in this book shows, dating is not just a time of fun and games. It is a time to honestly search out the right mate for you.

Most of the marriage problems I’ve observed throughout the years have stemmed from one of these five general areas. A couple entering a marriage with a built-in breach in one of these areas is assuring itself of trouble. A couple with a breach in two areas is almost certain to fail. Marriage is sharing and togetherness. The less togetherness, the higher the failure rate.

THE FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT DANGER ZONE IS YOUR SPIRITUAL LIFE.

First of all, no Christian should marry or date a non-Christian. II Corinthians 6:14 specifically mentions that the truth by saying, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" No doubt one of the greatest, if not the greatest danger and threat to any marriage is the union of a non-Christian and a Christian. A believer is alive unto God; a non-believer is condemned before God. The believer has membership in God's spiritual family; the non-believer does not. The believer's real home and citizenship is in heaven; the unbeliever is headed to the lake of fire. A true believer is bound to have a completely different set of values than an unbeliever. Many a believer has married an unbeliever with the vain hope of getting him or her converted after marriage. Like the girl who intended to reform her drinking boyfriend after marriage, by far the vast majority of them have miserably failed. On crucial points, the changes and agreements should be made BEFORE marriage. I personally think a boy or girl is very foolish to marry a person who claims to have believed in Christ but who will not make it public through baptism and church membership prior to the wedding. You are asking for trouble and directly violating God's command when you marry someone who is not a believer in Jesus Christ as personal Saviour.

You may be wondering what to do if you find, after marriage, that you are wed to a non-believer. Some couples do not find out until after marriage that God's Word forbids marriage between believers and non-believers. There are situations where both in a marriage were unbelievers at the time of the wedding, but later, the husband or wife is saved, but the other is not. Let me first tell you what not to do. Don't walk off! During the past few years a false, Biblically ungrounded concept has circulated in some Christian groups. The idea is that you have possibly married the wrong person. The proponents of this anti-Biblical position say that if you discover you have not married the right person, then you should leave that person and find the right person in life for you. That is one of the most blatant, asinine attacks ever propagated against God's Biblical concepts of fidelity in marriage. Listen, the time to find the right marriage mate is in dating, not after the "I do's." You may indeed have sinned by selecting the wrong marriage mate, but to simply walk off adds sin to sin. Walking off doubles your iniquity before God. You will not only have to answer Him in judgment for choosing the wrong companion in the first place, you will also answer to Him for the divorce you secure from that companion.

The apostle Peter addresses the issue of a Christian marrying a non-Christian. He approaches it from the standpoint of a believing wife in marriage to an unbelieving husband. His counsel, as found in I Peter 3:1 is, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word, be won by the conservation of the wives." It is not difficult to see that this inspired apostle is telling folks who find themselves married to an unbeliever to do their best to win the unbeliever to Christ. He certainly doesn’t hint that someone should just walk off, when he finds that he has made a bad choice.

In addition to both parties in a marriage being believers in Jesus Christ, both parties need a kindred conviction about the Lordship of Christ. If one is a weak Christian with no real convictions about serving God actively through a local church, while the other is a committed Christian, dedicated to active service for God, obviously there are going to be major problems in the marriage. One is going to feel he has done God a service by going to church two or three Sunday mornings a month, while the other will be convicted about attending Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, visitation, revivals and the various other ministries of the church. There will be conflicts on Sundays when one wants to acknowledge the Lordship of Christ by tithing, adherence of God’s principles of finance and a daily devotional prayer life, but the other has no real interest or conviction in these matters. Both parties in a marriage need to be convicted about the husband being a strong spiritual leader in the home and the wife being in subjection to her husband, about Biblical principles of child training, including discipline, and about the central role of the Lord’s church in the life of a Christian home.

Furthermore, both paries in the marriage should share kindred doctrinal convictions. For example, if one is convicted that the Lord’s church should be independent while the other sees no problem with, and prefers, an organizationally oriented church, old Satan has an excellent crack into which he can drive a wedge. The same can be said if one is a Calvinist, universal church, open communion, grape juice in communion, etc., while the other is the opposite. During dating couples should probe each other’s minds. They should find out where each other stands on doctrinal issues. Too many squander their dating time away, never considering these issues. After marriage their positions on these issues begin to surface, and too many times, at this belated moment, one will think to himself or herself, "If I had known he believed that, I’d never have married him." When one or the other in a marriage begins to think like that, the marriage is in serious trouble. Young man, lady, do your marriage shopping before the wedding, not after.

Another area of your spiritual life is how your mate, or prospective mate, reacts when confronted with a weakness or mistake. Like coins, people have two sides. Most of the time in dating only the good side shows, although the wise young man or lady shopping for a marriage partner will make it his or her business to see both sides. You need to find out what your prospective mate is like when he has just been disappointed, hurt or crossed. What kind of response does he demonstrate when he is told where he is wrong and what his weaknesses are? Does he react reasonably, making a genuine effort to correct his wrongs, or does he react by denying his weaknesses with anger, foul language or pouting? How does he react when something comes along that he really doesn’t like? You can count on the fact that your prospective mate will react to adversity and confrontations after marriage very much in the same manner that he reacts before marriage. About the only difference is that his reaction after marriage will likely be less restrained than it was during dating.

Every dating person would do well to look into the home life of his or her prospective mate. Every girl should particularly note how her prospective husband treats his mother. The odds are that after marriage, he will treat his wife the same way he treated his mother. Furthermore, every young man should pay particular attention to how his prospective wife responds to the authority of her father. That is pretty much the same response he is going to get from her toward his authority as husband. A young lady would do well to consider how dedicated, diligent, faithful and hard working her prospective husband is. After all, she is going to depend upon him for many years for her livelihood. A young man would do well to consider whether or not his prospective wife knows how to cook, what kind of a housekeeper she is and whether or not she is industrious or lazy. After all, she is the one who will be keeping his house, cooking his food and generally taking care of his domestic needs for many years to come.

All of these, and many other considerations, fall under the general heading of your spiritual life. The best marriages are those with a strong spiritual life, those where Jesus Christ is undisputedly in charge. Those are the marriages where self-will has surrendered to God’s will as set forth in His book, the Bible. A man who has accepted Christ as Savior, makes Him Lord and has determined to live by the authority of His book, is the best possible mate. That kind of commitment destroys selfishness, which is ultimately the root cause of all marriage problems. A strong spiritual life is the best assurance of marriage success, while a weak spiritual life is a certain move in the direction of failure.

Though it is directed to married couples in trouble, the chapter in this book entitled "Strengthening a Weak Marriage" can be of excellent help to daters. It gives specific areas of spiritual considerations. Furthermore, the chapter entitled "Dating With a Purpose" outlines the proper approach to marriage. I highly recommend they be read in connection with this chapter.

THE SECOND DANGER ZONE IS COMMUNICATIONS

If your marriage is to be strong, you must be able to communicate your feelings honestly and openly to each other. If you fail here, misunderstandings are certain to grow. They will ultimately either drive you apart or harden and embitter you toward each other. On several occasions I’ve had persons with marriage problems say to me, "I’ve had a belly full of it, and I’m not going to take any more." What that tells me right off is that long ago, the ability to truly communicate broke down in that marriage. Perhaps they talked to each other, but they were avoiding, or in some other way failing to address the real issues between them. In this book I have included a chapter entitled "Talk to Me." I strongly recommend that every married couple seriously reflect upon the information in that chapter.

Honest talk is your means of solving differences and offenses. Once you fail to honestly talk to each other, things begin to build up. This is really the way most marriage troubles begin. Very seldom do I ever counsel a couple with marriage troubles who is able to pinpoint the exact beginning of their troubles. Oh, they can remember incidents here and there along the way, but they never remember where it started. What I know is that back there, somewhere along the way, one did something the other didn’t like. It was never forgiven or solved. Then another thing came along which was never forgiven or solved. In both directions there were offenses along the way. Arguments, cruel words, temper flares, and the silent treatment occurred. The couple argued over this, and then that, and neither remembers what started it all. Through the years a gigantic log jam of marriage debris built up in the marriage, until all hope of joy and reconciliation faded. Listen folks, people don’t just wake up one morning and decide to go out and get a divorce. It builds up and up and up, and one day, one or the other decides they can’t bear it any longer. That’s how divorces occur in the real world.

The ability to honestly talk and communicate about the real issues is vital to the health, success and longevity of any marriage. Don’t argue! When confronted with an offence or problem, don’t deny or ignore it and turn around and point out some weakness or flaw in your mate. Face the truth about yourself, and by God’s grace, do something about it. Face the issues of life in marriage one at a time. Don’t let them build up. If you will be faithful to solve your differences and offenses as they occur, you will never have a log jam of troubles in your marriage. The joy can remain and unity can grow stronger and sweeter.

Let me add one more word of caution. Silence is a deadly enemy to communications. Many a person gets his feelings hurt in a marriage relationship and just clams up. Mister, lady, you are asking for trouble when you do that. You are killing the lines of communication. You are destroying you means of solving offenses and differences, just as surely as if you were throwing a temper fit with cursing and swearing. In either case, the result is devastating to the marriage.

THE THIRD DANGER ZONE IS IN-LAWS

In marriage, your home must be your home. Outside manipulating will erode it as sure as the sun rises in the morning. I recommend a serious consideration of the chapter in this book entitled "Cut the Apron Strings." Honor your father and your mother but realize that once you are married, you are no longer under their direct authority of your parents. At marriage the husband becomes the authority of the newly formed home, and the wife moves from under the authority of her parents to a position of subjection to the authority of her new husband. After the wedding your parents serve only in an advisory capacity to you.

Husband, at marriage assume your authority! I have tried to set forth some of your responsibilities as husband in the chapter of the book entitled "Man or Mouse?" Don’t lean too heavily on any outside influence, including your father. Take his advice, weigh it for what it is worth, then make your decision about your family with your family’s needs in mind. Your parents and your wife’s parents have no doubt been enriched in wisdom by much experience; however yours is a new family, under a new set of unique circumstances. Learn what you can from them, then do what you believe to be best for your family. Your wife will quickly see it as weakness in you once she observes that you are being dominated by father, mother or in-law. She didn’t marry your father or mother; she married you, and you are the one to whom she is looking for leadership.

Wife, I cannot overemphasize the importance of what I am about to say in this paragraph. Place yourself under the wing and shelter of your husband, and don’t run to other people with your problems. Most nearly everyone has heard of the proverbial mother-in-law, son-in-law conflict. Sad to say, but too often there is a mother-in-law conflict, and the tragedy in too many cases is that the conflict has been established and fueled by the wife. Many a young wife enters into a conflict with her husband. Her mother has always been her best friend and the one in whom she has confided, so she runs straight to her mother with the whole story, although invariable she slants the story to make herself look good and her husband look bad. She tells mother what husband did and said. She conveniently neglects to say what she said and did. So here is mother, hearing all about how her poor little daughter is being mistreated by this male chauvinist who she knew was not good enough for her daughter in the first place. Mother’s stinger goes out, and she tells father. That invisible, but very real wall immediately goes up between wife’s mother and father and son-in-law. The coldness and resentment are there, and son-in-law sees it. He in turn resents them because he doesn’t figure it is any of their business. He figures they are meddling in his family life, so the stage for conflict is set. New conflicts between husband and wife arise, and wife dutifully reports it all to mother. It is not at all difficult to see why the breach between son-in-law and mother-in-law gets wider and wider, with the conflict growing ever sharper.

In process of time the wife generally goes back and solves her differences with husband. After she gets over being hurt, she begins to feel lonely and remembers what a stinker she was to her husband, so she gets back with him, and they kiss and make up, although mother-in-law and son-in-law don’t kiss and make up. Their resentment and dislike for each other is continuing to grow and fester. Ironically, innocent little wife begins to wonder why her mother doesn’t like her husband and why her husband resents his in-laws. Many a time it becomes very hurtful to sweet little wife when she sees the tremendous breach between her mother and the father of her children.

Girls, my advice is that you keep your troubles at home. Don’t run to mother with what is wrong with your husband. You are responsible to God to support the authority of your husband with your influence. That means you are to promote and build him up. You are violating a Biblical principle when you spread, especially to your parents, the weaknesses and shortcomings of your husband. You should build up and promote him not tear him down. To do otherwise is to build yourself a case of troubles.

THE FOURTH DANGER ZONE IS MONEY.

In any age, regardless of inflation and economic conditions, it takes a minimum amount of money to support a marriage. There must be housing, food, clothing, transportation and, for Christians, the Lord’s portion. All of these cost much money. It is downright foolish for a couple to get married when they do not have the income to support the marriage. A couple cannot live on love, and they are setting themselves up for first-class troubles by moving in with in-laws.

Besides the routine expenses of life, when couples first marry they have almost nothing. They have to buy furniture, pots and pans, dishes, sheets, towels, wash cloths, appliances and hundreds of other items needed for housekeeping. Many times a little baby soon comes along, and the result is thousands of dollars of added expenses. Soon the couple is in such financial bondage that all the glow and glitter of marriage is gone. They become slaves to their jobs, many times the wife being forced to work, with no money for anything except essentials. While they were dating, they were able to go out and eat occasionally, go bowling or skating and buy some nice little extra things for each other, but now they can only sit at home with no money for anything. Bill collectors are constantly coming and calling, and the pressure of that sort of situation can be very detrimental to any marriage.

Again I say to any prospective couple, don’t marry until you can afford it. I am not saying that you need to be rich and have everything before you get married, but I am saying that common sense demands that you at least be able to take care of the essentials.

Next to the importance of a minimum income with which to start a marriage is money management. Learning to live by God’s principles of finance is really proper money management. There are people who could take a thousand dollars per week and squander it in such a way as to still be in financial trouble. Many couples attempt to live beyond their means. They’re paying too much for housing, transportation and entertainment. They have let credit buying put them deeply in debt and a good portion of what they earn goes to pay interest. I strongly recommend that each couple read the chapter in this book that deals with finances. If I had one opportunity to give financial advice to prospective marriage couples it would be "Avoid credit buying for depreciable items."

THE FIFTH DANGER ZONE IS SEX.

Sex is not a "solve-all" solution to every problem. Many couples view it that way, and by so doing simply compound their sexual problems. Sex won’t solve money problems, in-law problems, spiritual differences or communication breakdowns. In fact, sexual activity coupled with an ignoring of these problems will cause a resentment of sex.

Sex problems are usually symptoms of other problems. For example, the couple that is having a conflict over the order of authority in the home automatically has a sex problem. The couple at odds over discipline of the children cannot possibly have the proper kind of sexual relationship. A problem in any other area of marriage, be it spiritual, communications, in-laws or money, will result in a sex problem to some degree.

Sex is intended by God to be an expression of true love and genuine union. The union of bodies should be symbolic of the union of spirits. If the spirits and hearts of the mates are not together in union as one, then the union of the body seems dirty, wrong and unsatisfying. This is one of the reasons why couples who have relations outside of marriage never find it to be the satisfying, fulfilling relationship they thought it would be. The best thing any couple can do to insure the complete success of it’s sex life is to address and solve the other problems in the marriage.

I would like to give this special word of caution to the men who read this chapter. Our Lord said in Acts 20:35, "It is more blessed to give than to receive." Nowhere does this truth apply more than in sex, yet, in sex, men are notorious for taking and not giving. They selfishly think of themselves and satisfying their own passions. It doesn’t seem to occur to them that their wife also has passions which need to be satisfied. Men often take care of themselves and seldom take care of the sexual needs of the mate. Husband, you need to determine every time you enter into the act of marriage with your wife that you will see to it that her needs are satisfied just as well as yours are. It is a matter of entering into a relationship with the intent of giving and not just getting. Dr Tim LaHaye has written what I believe to be by far the best book on this subject. It is entitled The Act of Marriage. I heartily recommend it.

No doubt a simple understanding of the difference in your passionate makeup and hers will help in this regard. Men are particularly aroused by what they see, which ought to cause women to be very careful to dress modestly, and it takes men much less time to become aroused than it does women. Women tend to be aroused over a longer period of time by being told nice things, touched and being treated generally with tenderness. So, the husband shouldn’t expect to spend just a few minutes, get aroused and make successful love to his wife. Wives tend to recognize that sex relations are an expression of a tenderness and continuing love, not just a spontaneous, animalistic release of passions, thus a husband should constantly along the way be telling his wife of his love for her, showing her tenderness and affection, and certainly upon the approach of physical relations, he should handle her in such a way as to stimulate her, and he should give her sufficient time for arousal. Again, it is a matter of giving and not just getting. He should be determined to give her the same fullness and satisfaction that he gets, and as a husband accomplishes this, he will find that his sexual joy is even greater. He will find especially sweet the knowledge that the sexual needs of his wife are fully met as well as his own. He will take particular pleasure in knowing that the sex life in the marriage is a two-way street.

Let me include here a special word of caution to the ladies who read these lines. I Corinthians 7:5 says, "Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." Wives sometimes tend to use sex as a way to get other things they want, and even on occasions to punish their husband. That directly violates God’s principles on sex. For example, if husband is not a proper Romeo when he arrives home from work in the evening, sometimes wife wants to be cool in the bed at night. God’s Word is warning that couples in marriage do not withhold themselves from each other, except it be by mutual consent. God’s word clearly teaches that husband and wife take care of each other’s sex needs. Ladies, you would be wise to remember that a husband who is being properly taken care of at home is not nearly as likely to be tempted by someone outside the home. I recommend you read the chapter of this book entitled "Adultery-Provoking Marriages." In this modern, promiscuous world in which we live, you can be sure that there are plenty of males and females out there ready and eager to tempt your mate.

Let me say in conclusion to this chapter, that good marriages are not by accident. They take lots of work, planning and sometimes sacrifice, but the sweet and beautiful benefits of a good marriage and stable home far outweigh any sacrifice and work involved. Even good marriages can get into trouble. You cannot go along with your head in the sky, ignorant of where the dangers are. Wisdom opens its eyes and looks ahead, seeing where the dangers are, then it works and sacrifices to avoid those dangers. I know firsthand that marriages can grow sweeter and better with every passing day. Someone has said that you usually get out of marriage just about what you put in. It is my earnest hope that the information presented here will not only strengthen the marriages of many who read these lines, but that it will help both married couples and prospective marriage couples avoid those dangers which can result in untold misery and marriage failure.

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"