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Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Dating With a Purpose

Chapter Twenty Five

INTRODUCTION: Text * II Corinthians 6:14-18

I am going to discuss a few aspects of dating. I can think of very few things you single persons need to consider more than this. And, you parents and grandparents should not write this off as not applying to you. You need to teach these truths and principles to your children and grandchildren. If your children would learn these things, it could help them a great deal and could go a long way toward insuring a good marriage for them.

The average person who dates doesn’t seem to have the faintest idea what its real purpose is. Its only concern to most daters is a time of fun and entertainment. It’s a matter of going out to eat, heading to some place of amusement, satisfying a few fleshly lusts and having a "high-heeled good time." Very few take dating really seriously as a prelude to marriage.

I. WHETHER OR NOT IT IS VIEWED AS SUCH, DATING IS A PRELUDE TO MARRIAGE, AND VERY FEW DECISIONS IN LIFE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR DECISION ON WHO YOU WILL MARRY.

A. Choosing your marriage mate is one of the largest, most consequen- tial decisions of your entire life.

1. Your marriage mate is the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life, probably 40, 50 or maybe even 70 years. You are going to have to be with this person when they are sick and well, when they are hurt, angry, disappointed and frustrated. You must see them when they are old, when they’ve just gotten out of bed, when they are dirty, their hair is not combed and their face is not painted.

2. You will spend a great portion of the rest of the money you have and make in life on this person.

3. This is the person with whom you must share your most intimate secrets, blemishes, faults and sins.

4. No other person will spend more time with you than your marriage mate.

5. This is the person who is going to be the other parent of your child and who is going to correct and whip your child. His or her ideas on child raising are going to directly affect you.

6. This is the person who is going to make your living, largely establish your social status in life, establish your economic status in life and have a great, great bearing upon your service to God and where you go to church.

7. This is the person who is going to cook your food, clean your house, wash your clothes and do a thousand and one other things with and for you until the day you draw your last breath.

B. Nevertheless, most people, to their own ruin, make this decision off the top of their heads without any really serious thought or consider- ation.

1. Too often the decision is based on some sex attraction they have for someone.

2. Many times it is based on looks, emotional considerations or some other physical attraction.

3. Older people often jump into marriage for companionship or to get away from loneliness, without really considering the person they are marrying much at all.

4. Young ladies are particularly notorious for marrying for romantic dreams. They have this great Cinderella idea of marriage, and they are eager to find some man, just any man, to make it come true. They seem to have the mistaken concept that just any man will make it work. You can see this in that when many girls get ready to get married, they do it one way or another. If they break up with the boy they’ve been dating a long time, they’ll readily find another one and be married within weeks.

II. THE VERY PURPOSE OF DATING IS TO HELP YOU FIND THE RIGHT MARRIAGE PARTNER.

A. Every one of you dating persons should be taking dating as a very serious time in which you are searching for just the right person for you.

1. Don’t just go along for a good time. Find out what your date believes about God, the Bible, the church, Jesus Christ and how much of a role religion should play in your home.

2. Learn how deep his or her convictions run. Observe his morals and attitudes about morals. If he’ll commit immorality with you, he’ll commit it against you when you marry him.

3. See if he has a forgiving spirit or if he is prone to a temper and holding grudges. If he holds grudges against others, he’ll hold them against you, too.

4. See if he is a responsible individual and believes in work. Find out what kind of housekeeper she is. She’s probably going to be just like her mother in this.

5. Find out what he likes and doesn’t like and see if that matches yours. Find out where he likes to go, what sports and hobbies he enjoys, what he likes to eat, how he likes to dress, and how he likes to spend his time. After all, you’re going to have to share in these things for a mighty long time.

6. Find out how he handles money, how many children he wants, how he believes children should be raised and taught.

7. You’d better acquaint yourself with his bad habits, his patterns of speech, the kind of in-laws you’d have if you should marry, whether or not he’s selfish, worldly-minded, jealous, envious and greedy.

8. You’d better find out if he curses, smokes, drinks, nightclubs, runs with women and a wild crowd, and whether he is an extrovert or an introvert.

B. The number one thing you should determine in dating is whether or not the two of you have a kindred spirit.

1. I’m talking about the fact that you both genuinely share common interests around the things of God.

2. It is a matter of being able to totally share with one another God’s dealings in life concerning all matters.

3. God’s word asks in Amos 3:3, "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" The answer is a flat "no." Jesus said, "if a home be divided against itself, that house cannot stand," in Mark 3:25.

4. If you are going to enter into a marriage relationship that will stand, you must be agreed; you must have kindred spirits, compatible attitudes and ideals.

5. So in dating, learn about the person you are planning to marry. Determine whether or not you can live peaceably and happily with that person. If you both love the Lord and truly want His will to be done in your lives, this is a kindred spirit, and it will enable you to draw closer and closer to each other. This is true because the closer you draw to the Lord, the nearer you will be to each other. I John 1:3 makes this clear by saying, "That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ." This is a basic Christian principle that is irrefutable. The closer we are drawn to God, the closer we will be drawn to each other, and one very specific place this can be applied is in dating and marriage.

C. Let it be understood clearly that this decision as to who the right marriage partner is should be made before and never after marriage.

1. So many people these days get to thinking, "Well, I don’t believe he or she is the right marriage partner for me. I do not think he (or she) is the one God wanted me to have." Lots of them decide they don’t really love the one to whom they are married. Then they begin to reason that they really shouldn’t stay married to the wrong person or to one they don’t love, so they decide to get a divorce and start looking for the right one.

2. I tell you upon the strength of God’s word that this kind of devilish reasoning is a bunch of dirty hogwash. It’s too late to start considering whether or not you have the right marriage partner, or whether or not you love him, after the marriage vows. Those decisions are to be made in dating.

3. Once marriage vows are exchanged, you are bound to live with your marriage partner, love him or not, and whether or not you think he is the right one. I Corinthians 7:10-11 says, "Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife." This same chapter says in verse 39, "The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth," and verse 27 exhorts, "Art thou bound unto a wife: seek not to be loosed."

4. The only reason God’s Word gives for divorcing your marriage partner is adultery, and God is not at all pleased when this occurs. Jesus said, "I say unto you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of adultery, causeth her to commit adultery," in Matthew 5:32. Just in case someone might think divorce is good and approved of God, Jesus spoke in Mark 10:2-9, "The Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him. And he answered and said unto them, what did Moses command you? And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away. And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female, for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Before you fly off down to a lawyer to get a divorce, you’d better think long and hard on these words of Jesus. He didn’t mention anything about deciding whether or not you have the right marriage partner after you are married. He didn’t say go ahead and marry, but then if you later realize you don’t love him, get a divorce. No sir! His words are don’t put your marriage asunder, and that’s about as clear and straight as it can be put.

III. DATING IS A TREMENDOUSLY IMPORTANT TIME IN LIFE, AND IT IS MOST OFTEN HERE THAT THE SEEDS OF SUCCESS OR FAILURE IN MARRIAGE ARE SOWN.

A. This should cause you to realize why you should establish some very definite and strict rules for dating.

1. In the first place you Christians should never date non-Christians.

a. God’s word clearly lays down this rule, and then argues its case in II Corinthians 6:14-18. It says, "Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers," and every Christian who marries a non-Christian forms an unequal yoke. The next verses argue the case that it is impossible for a Christian to have oneness of spirit with a non-Christian. I Corinthians 7:39 re-emphasizes this point by saying to the woman, "If her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord."

b. Lots of daters ruin their lives by reasoning, arguing and rationalizing around this point. They say, "He’s not a Christian, but he’s really a nice person and a gentleman. He’s open to witnessing, and I’ll have an opportunity on dates to talk to him about the Lord." They also reason that they have so much in common other than religion, and this person’s conduct is better than the conduct of most Christians. Thus, by these and other no-good, flimsy excuses, many a single Christian strikes down the Word of God to not be unequally yoked. They plant the seeds for this unequal yoke by dating a person of unequal spiritual status.

2. You should never date anyone you can’t marry.

a. It might take a date or two to learn that this person is unsaved, has prurient interests and no kindred spirit with you, but as soon as you realize that, you should break off the relationship.

b. In fact, at any point in a courtship that you realize you could not be properly married to that person, to the very moment you say "I do," you should immediately break off the relationship.

c. If you continue to build the relationship after you recognize fatal flaws, you will end up becoming attached to the person upon an unsound basis, which will likely lead to an unsound marriage that will likely be troubled and end in divorce. By dating one you cannot marry, you are sowing seeds for marriage failure.

d. That means you should never date anyone with plans that you are going to reform him. This has proven the fatal flaw of many a marriage.

3. You should determine to keep yourself morally pure in dating.

a. That means absolutely no premarital sex. God’s word says premarital sex, which is fornication, is wicked sin. God’s word says don’t be guilty of fornication. In Acts 15:20 the words are, "abstain from...fornication." I Corinthians 6:13 says, "The body is not for fornication," and verse 18 says, "Flee fornication." Paul said in Ephesians 5:3, "But fornication, and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints."

b. Paul said to let men and women with passion not be fornicators. Let them find a suitable marriage partner and marry. His words are in I Corinthians 7:9, "If they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."

c. Now, if dating persons are going to keep themselves morally clean, they need to generally keep their hands off each other. The couples who pet and handle each other, and who lock up in those Hollywood embraces and kisses are asking for moral troubles. Every man and every woman, excepting those who’ve had a marriage partner die, should be a virgin when he exchanges marriage vows with his mate.

4. As a Christian, you should not date anyone of whom your Christian parents disapprove.

a. It is still true that Ephesians 6:1 says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right." You ought to do that in dating just as in all other areas.

b. Your parents care for you, and if you will stay submitted to their authority, even in dating, they can help you in making a right choice. They can see tendencies and traits in your suitors that you are not likely to see, and if you will let them, they can keep you from getting mixed up with the wrong person.

c. Before you date any person, you should get the approval of your parents. Any time a boy asks one of you girls for a date, you should send him to your father to secure approval for it.

B. You should establish that the person you are going to date, and perhaps marry, must have certain basic qualities in his life.

1. The first and most important quality is that he be genuinely saved. Remember that II Corinthians 6:14 says you should not marry an unsaved person. You’ll never have a good Christian home without a Christian mate.

2. Your suitor should also have the quality of moral purity and freedom. Dating someone with immoral, sensual intentions and desires is quite likely to lower your moral standards and get you into moral trouble. Determine to keep yourself pure, unspotted by the world, as James 1:27 says you should.

3. The person you would date and possibly marry should be unself- ish. The person who exalts himself is going to be abased according to Luke 14:11. A selfish person is going to look out for himself and not you, and as he goes down in abasement by God, you are likely to go down with him. You want a person who is unselfish, whose personal rights have been surrendered to God.

4. You should also seek a person who accepts himself as God made him. You need one who realizes he is nothing apart from the grace of God, and one who is not fighting against the fact that God didn’t make him handsome, athletic or rich. A person with that basic conflict is already fighting against God, who made him as he is, and will never be a decent companion for anyone.

5. You should also seek a person who is subject to authority. God has a definite chain of command, and everybody has some higher authority over him. The person who will not accept that authority will be constantly in a state of conflict with those around him. You be sure you seek out a husband or wife who is under authority.

6. Look also for a person who has purpose in life. Every Christian should be seeking to use his life to the honor and glory of God according to I Corinthians 10:31. A person with that basic purpose will have definite plans and ways by which that purpose can be accomplished, but a person with no real purpose will lead you on an aimless, careless, pointless voyage through life.

7. The person you date and consider for marriage should also have the financial ability to support the marriage. Many a marriage has gone on the rocks because of financial woes.

C. Your approach toward that one certain person God has for you in life should have a definite structure to it.

1. You should first be drawn together spiritually.

a. This is a matter of being drawn together and sharing spiritual things. You share and rejoice together in a common salvation, over common ideas of Godly living and Christian dedication, over common goals and plans in life, and over common convictions and interests. These are the first things that should be established in dating.

b. Many couples do not start here with spiritual things. They begin with physical, sensuous attractions, and they become physically involved with each other. This results in a cloud of guilt over the relationship and a communications breakdown. Moral standards are lowered, and the couple does not discover the real self in each other. Arguments occur and guilt grows. The couple tries hard to make the marriage work, but begin to question more and more if the marriage is a right one.

c. The fact is that necking and petting and fornication before marriage plants the very seeds that so often end up completely undoing the marriage.

2. When people are sufficiently drawn together spiritually, there should be next a mental and emotional coming together.

a. This is a matter of the two making plans for the future together. This is a sharing of likes and dislikes as the two relate to working and living together. The two begin to focus and delight on the definite time when marriage will occur and these plans can be fulfilled.

b. This is that stage of dating where engagement should occur.

3. The third and final stage in your approach toward your mate for life should be physical.

a. Every parent should learn this proper approach that should be taken in seeking the right mate for life and should teach it to their children. Every single person should learn and practice this procedure and never violate it. Again I say, the decisions and patterns made and established in dating have a more far reaching effect upon the success or failure of marriage than most people suspect or realize.

D. Dating should never be started until the dater is mentally prepared to meet the responsibilities involved.

1. Many parents and children are faced with the question of how old should a boy or girl be before they start dating. I do not believe there is a definite year or age. Some are ready for dating sooner or younger than others.

2. I believe a person is never ready to date, and should not be allowed to do so, until they have achieved the three following conditions beforehand.

a. No person should be allowed to date until he is aware of both the benefits and dangers of dating.

b. No person should be allowed to date until he has developed a scriptural set of dating standards.

c. No person should be allowed to date until he has definitely made up his mind that he will not lower these standards, even if it means losing dates.

d. No person should be allowed to date until they are prepared to look for a marriage partner.

3. Parents must help their children in this.

a. They must not give in and allow their children to date until they see these conditions have been achieved, regardless of the age.

b. At the same time they must assist the children in forming the proper standards and maturity.

c. They must supervise the dating, take a real interest in it and who the child dates. They must make it their business to find out something about the person being dated and something about how things go on a date.

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"