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Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Talk To Me

Chapter Twenty Four

INTRODUCTION: Text * I Corinthians 15:33

I think it would be wise if every home had a nice wall sign posted in a very conspicuous place in the home with the title of this chapter on it. I am calling this chapter "Talk to Me", and that is what, deep inside, every family member wishes every other family member would do. Within all of us is a need to be loved, and for others to talk to and communicate with us. The Lord God knew exactly the need of the human heart when He said, "It is not good that the man should be alone." Not one of us needs to be in a silent world cut off from others. We need the fellowship and exchange of ideas and feelings which we can gain in communicating with other, particularly those who are close to us.

For centuries, communications difficulties have been a major problem among the peoples of this earth. The inability to understand each other and the inability to sit down and work out differences and misunderstandings has caused, and continues to cause, feuds, hatred, revenge, resentments, divorces, rebelliousness, strifes and many other woes, including war. Surely the problem of communications among family members constitutes one of the biggest threats to the strength, stability and well-being of the home. Communicating is understanding and being understood, and many parents do not really understand their own children, and many children don’t understand their parents. We’ve all heard plenty about the "generation gap." Many wives and husbands don’t understand each other. The result is tension, strife and a great deal of unhappiness. The home loses its closeness and warmth. Many a time those who don’t communicate fall farther and farther apart and have fewer and fewer attachments, and they end the home with a divorce.

I. FAMILY MEMBERS NEED TO LEARN THE FINE ART OF REAL COMMUNICATIONS WITH EACH OTHER.

A. Though there are other means of communications besides speech, which are mostly beyond the scope of this section, speech is our main means of communication.

1. It is in speech or talking with each other that we share ideas, hopes and dreams.

2. It is here that we learn what each other is thinking, what our complaints and offenses are and where we stand on the issues of life.

3. It is in conversation that we build friendships, develop ideas and relationships, and come to understand why others act as they do.

4. Often it is in talking that we solve our differences with one another and reach agreements.

5. Speech offers us the opportunity of offering and receiving correc- tions, advice, and counsel.

6. It is in conversation that we can tell of our love and concern for each other.

7. The language enables us to encourage and comfort one another.

8. By talking, we can teach, forgive, soothe, and provoke each other to do good.

9. By talking we can clear up misunderstandings, give instructions, establish limitations and paint mental pictures.

10. Folks, there is so very, very much you can do by just talking to each other. Good communications can work wonders in a home.

B. Throughout the Bible you can see where good communications served as a vital link in the understanding and well-being of people.

1. Repeatedly Jesus spoke unto the disciples and masses of people to make Himself and His message understood.

2. God said in Isaiah 1:18, "Come now, let us reason together." This surely places great value upon communications.

3. In I Thessalonians 4:18 Paul said, "Comfort one another with these words."

4. Over and again, the means by which people made themselves known to each other, shared messages, solved problems, laid plans, gave instructions and much more was by talking together.

C. Silence or the cutting off of communications in the home can be very disastrous.

1. In the first place, silence or communication breakdowns drive people apart.

a. If a husband and wife are going to stay together, they must know what each other is doing and thinking. They must share in convictions, ideas and hopes in life.

b. This area that they know about and have in common is the part of life the two share. God says in Genesis 2:24 that "they shall be one," but if there is no communication and, thus, no shared ground, then the two are not one at all.

c. In fact the less they communicate, and, thus, share, the less they have in common and the more separate of each other their worlds become.

d. Consider David and Absalom. When King David refused to talk to the boy, resentment and rebellion built in the boy’s heart to a bitter hatred. II Samuel 15 will tell you how this boy started a rebellion and overthrew his dad’s kingdom.

e. And, I can tell you today that the principle still works. If you want to alienate somebody, a boss, or employee, a fellow church member and especially your family members or mate, just quit talking to him. Grow silent. Don’t discuss the matter. Pout around and don’t talk. You can be sure that it will begin to alienate you from that person. Any good relationship you once had will begin to canker and erode.

2. A strange set of events very often occurs when you do not communicate with your mate.

a. When you don’t talk, your mate will usually assume something is wrong. Many times he or she will dig around trying to find out what it is. He’ll ask, "What’s wrong?" You answer "nothing," and he knows you are lying. So he’ll say "Have I done or said something wrong? Has someone offended you?" If this sort of questioning doesn’t produce a suitable answer, he’ll probe the kids and maybe even friends as to what might have happened to you.

b. If all this still fails to produce proper answers, he will begin to reason and figure it out. What that simply means is that if he can’t come up with the real answers, he’ll make up some that he is sure are the right ones. He’ll figure you’ve got something against him, you’re mad about something, that your affections for him have been replaced by someone else, that you have sinister designs or some other reason. The human mind is a suspicious thing, and it can manufacture all kinds of strange ideas. An old saying says, "curiosity killed the cat," and when you grow silent, curiosity will work overtime on your mate.

c. The conclusions your mate reaches as to why you are silent may be absolutely false; yet based upon the false conclusions, your mate will form attitudes and take actions. For example, you may have clammed up at home because you are at odds with your boss or job. If you don’t tell that to your mate, she’s likely to decide you’re silent because you have a secret lover. Based on her conclusion, she’ll be very hurt and angry. She’ll likely start fighting back and spying on you. And if she thinks that, she will lose trust in all you are and do.

d. So, silence or communications breakdowns usually just com- pound the problems and make bad matters worse, so be careful before you clam up and say you won’t discuss it any more.

II. NOT ONLY DO GRAVE PROBLEMS ARISE WHEN WE FAIL TO TALK, THERE ARE ALSO SOME MAJOR BREAKDOWNS AMONG THOSE WHO TRY TO COMMUNICATE. THE RESULT IS A FAILURE TO GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS AND A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OCCURS. THIS LEADS TO MANY HEART- ACHES AND TROUBLES.

A. One of the main things that destroys real communication between those who talk together is their failure to listen.

1. I am amazed, as I observe people, at how many there are who don’t really listen to and consider what is being said by those with whom they talk. They expect that others ought to hear them out and try to understand what they say, but they don’t really pay serious attention at all to others. The Bible calls these people "dull of hearing," in Hebrews 5:11. They don’t know if what you have to say has merit or not, for they won’t stop long enough to consider what you have to say.

2. Sometimes people will even shut up and let you talk, but they are not really hearing you, not considering the merit of what you have to say at all. It is amazing the capacity people have for tuning you right out when you come to things they don’t want to hear. Some of you husbands haven’t really listened to what your wife has been telling you for years. If I asked some of you wives to write down what your husband has been telling you, you wouldn’t know where to start, and if I compared what you wrote with what he wrote, it would look like a square peg in a round hole.

3. There are several reasons why people don’t listen.

a. One reason is that their minds are already made up. It is of these that Solomon speaks when he says, "Every way of a man is right in his own eyes," in Proverbs 21:2. This is the kind of person who is discussing an issue, not in order to come to the truth on it, but in order to propagate his position on it. He has no intentions of changing or of reaching an agreement unless you are willing to agree entirely with him. But Solomon said, "A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels," in Proverbs 1:5. James said every one of us ought to "Be swift to hear," James 1:19, and Solomon said, "He that regardeth reproof is prudent," in Proverbs 15:5. He also said, "The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise. He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul," in Proverbs 15:31-32.

b. Another reason some people do not listen is that they think the person with whom they are speaking could not possibly bring up any consideration which they haven’t already considered. What it amounts to is that they credit themselves to be smarter than they really are, and surely much smarter than the person with whom they are talking. That is a very conceited position. Solomon spoke of these when he said, "There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness. There is a generation, O how lofty are their eyes! and their eyelids are lifted up," in Proverbs 30:12-13. Hus- bands, don’t sell you wife so cheap; she just might have something to say of which you haven’t thought. Wives, your husbands may be smarter than you think. When he doesn’t perform just like you think he should, there just may be a good reason why, if you’d just listen to it. But, if you’ve already tried, convicted and sentenced him in your mind before he opens his mouth, there is little, if any, value in his discussing it. And, if your marriage partner sees that you never seriously consider his or her case, he or she will soon stop even talking to you about things, and then your home is in real trouble. Romans 12:16 says to you, "Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits."

c. Another thing that keeps people from listening in a conversa- tion is the fact that they are thinking ahead to what they are going to say next. They are not listening to the speaker, not really considering what is being said. No. They are thinking of their own defenses or their own glorious statements. The fact that they are not listening is evidenced by the fact their next statements are completely away from the points that were made by the speaker. They make no attempt to answer the speaker or address what he was saying.

d. Another reason why some people never hear what the other person in the conversation has to say is because they get the floor and hold it. They talk so much that nobody else has a chance to get a word in edgewise. These are the people who ask the questions, then turn right around and answer them themselves. They make and weigh the whole case without ever giving the other party a decent chance to defend himself. Parents are especially quick to do this with their children.

e. And many never hear what others have to say because they butt in and interrupt others before they get finished making their case. Now, it is granted that many people ramble and never make any point. They have to eventually be interrupted. But these are not the ones to whom I refer. Very often, it is not that the speaker is making no point. The fact is, the listener won’t let him ever get to it. But, as we shall further consider, you need to get the whole story before you try to answer it and before you draw final conclusions.

4. Folks, we need to learn that real conversation and communication is speaking and listening. Listening is just as much a part of conversation as talking is. Most of us could learn a great deal, if we’d just listen, but we’re too high-minded and conceited to do that. We’re "know-it-alls," and we’ve got all the answers. Nobody else can tell us anything we don’t already know.

5. And, listening involves much more than just the words that people speak.

a. Every gesture, facial expression, voice inflection, the spirit with which a person speaks and other such indicators tell you much, if only you will listen to these voices. These can express anguish, grief, sincerity, fear, worry and other such emotions better than words.

b. I say unto you, learn to listen. Observe all that a person says, with his mouth, his hands, his face, the total picture. Solomon said, "Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the streets: She crieth in the chief place of concourse, in the openings of the gates: in the city she uttereth her words, saying, How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scornings, and fools hate know- ledge?" in Proverbs 1:20-22. Man, many times your wife is crying out to you for help and attention by the things she says, what she does and how she acts, but you are not listening. Oh, what pangs we suffer because we insist on always being the speaker and never the listener.

c. We need to speak, to express ourselves, but we also need to listen, to hear what others think and feel. May God help us to learn when to speak and when to listen. The person who talks but never listens becomes very offensive and obnoxious. Solomon said, "As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion," in Proverbs 11:22. But, on the other hand, how admirable is that person who learns to listen and to say just the right words at just the right time in just the right way. Of these Solomon said, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver," in Proverbs 25:11.

B. Another communication problem that is quite common in the home is the absence of an understanding spirit in those who talk.

1. Let’s just face the facts folks, lots of people don’t try to understand what the person who is talking means.

a. Psalm 82:5 speaks of these when it says, "They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness."

b. How long has it been since you really tried to understand your wife, your husband, your children, or your parents?

2. You need to bear in mind that when your wife or husband spoke to you, he or she may not have been at his real self and that he didn’t really mean what he said.

a. Now, I grant you that a person shouldn’t say what he doesn’t mean. We should all learn what David said in Psalm 39:1, "I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle."

b. But, most of us have never learned to bridle our tongues, according to James 1:26. We say things when we are sick, tired, discouraged, angry or hurt that we really don’t mean. I doubt that there is one among us who under stress has not said harsh, ugly things that we didn’t mean, and we wished the moment we said them that we had not done so.

c. When your mate speaks to you, try to understand the condition he is in. You ought to pretty well disregard what out-of-character things are said to you during anger or other periods of great stress.

3. Furthermore, it is a great enemy to good communications and an indication of a spirit without understanding when you don’t allow for a possible misinterpretation on your part as a listener. It is quite possible that you may have misunderstood what your mate, or any speaker, meant, and the problem of communication is not with them, but with you. Before you get your feathers all ruffled up and go off mad or hurt, you’d better think that over. An understanding spirit on your part would likely solve the whole matter.

4. Another place where an understanding spirit is very important is when words don’t come out the way the speaker meant them. Before you become angry or hurt at what a speaker says, you should understand that we are not all language experts. We don’t always say exactly what we mean and express ourselves well. An understanding spirit will cause you to give the speaker the benefit of the doubt. How helpful it would be to good communications if more people were less thin-skinned and more tolerant and under- standing of others.

C. A third major communications problem is a lack of care and concern for what we say.

1. I’m talking about the fact that many say what they please, when they please, regardless of how it affects others. They are crude, harsh and without due respect to the feelings of others. This is how many people are all of the time and how most people are when they speak in anger. Nowhere is this more common than in the home.

2. Folks, when you start talking like that, you are going to make enemies and hurt plenty of people. Instead of this drawing you together with people, making your home warmer and stronger, it will drive you apart. Every cruel, hard, thoughtless word can be like a wedge between you.

3. God said, "the froward mouth, do I hate," Proverbs 8:13. He said in Proverbs 15:4, "a wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit." Folks, that says there’s something badly wrong with your spirit or character if you speak with a perverse mouth or give no care or concern for what you say and its effect upon others. God said in Proverbs 4:24, "Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee."

4. And another way to be careless with the mouth and thus hurt communications is to repeat and say things of absolutely no value, but which have evil effects. Though we may speak it gently, what we say can cut others down like a knife. Slanderous remarks, critical discussions of personal flaws and such talk does no good, but it does much harm.

5. Let us be extremely careful with what we say. The tongue can be a terrible member in the hand of the devil. James wrote, "Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell, " in James 3:5-6. Solomon said, "In the lips of him that hath understanding, wisdom is found," in Proverbs 10:13. Folks, that means he won’t be careless with the tongue. He’ll have care and concern for what he says. Let each of us come to the place of Solomon who wrote, "All the words of my mouth are in righteousness; there is nothing froward or perverse in them. they are all plain to him that understandeth, and right to them that find knowledge," in Proverbs 8:8-9.

D. A fourth major communications problem is the fact that most of us are too quick to speak.

1. In the first place, we speak before we’ve weighed the effects of our words.

a. We’ve not thought through the effect that what we says is going to have upon the person who hears it. No. Too many times we just blurt it out, and then think of what we’ve said and how it affects others.

b. That is tragic. Solomon said, "My son, attend unto my wisdom, and bow thine ear to my understanding: that thou mayest regard discretion, and that thy lips may keep knowledge," in Proverbs 5:1-2.

c. Oh, that we would put our mind in gear before we put our mouth in motion. If we’d do that, many times we wouldn’t say anything at all. Solomon said, "Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth," in Proverbs 26:20. With our hasty remarks and thoughtless words, we many a time keep an old feud going and old problems alive that would just die if we’d leave them alone.

2. In the second place, we speak before we know the whole story.

a. We get little bits and pieces and form our conclusions on these fragments. This is particularly true of people who butt in and don’t let the speaker get the whole story out. Mister, this will hurt your mate and make you look like a fool.

b. Solomon said, "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him," in Proverbs 18:13. And he said in Proverbs 29:30, "Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him."

3. In the third place, we are quick to speak our opinions that are often based on hearsay and are thus without grounds and are unsolicited.

a. Peter spoke of this type person when he said they "speak evil of the things that they understand not," in II Peter 2:12.

b. The Apostle Paul wrote, "Shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase unto more ungodliness. And their word will eat as doeth a canker (gangrene)" in II Timothy 2:16-17.

c. I am sure you’ve met many people who have an opinion on everything and who are right ready to give it, whether or not it is wanted or grounded. It could be that you are more inclined that way than you realize, especially to your mate or other family members.

4. Folks, let us heed the word of God on this subject which warns us to be slow to speak.

a. James said, "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath," in James 1:19. I guarantee that obedience to this principle of truth will help any home.

b. Don’t feel that you have to answer in a flash. Think about what you are going to say. Weigh its effects. Hear the whole story. Don’t go around hurting yourself and others with "off the cuff" remarks and ungrounded opinions. Solomon said, "An hypocrite with his mouth destroyeth his neighbor," in Proverbs 11:9, but he also said, "The mouth of a righteous man is a well of life," in Proverbs 10:11.

c. Listen to these sobering words on this subject in Proverbs 15:28, "The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things." If you are wise, you will think before you speak, for Proverbs 16:23 says, "The heart of the wise teacheth his mouth, and addeth learning to his lips."

E. A fifth communication problem is the failure of speakers to tell the truth.

1. Lots of times husbands, wives, parents and children deliber- ately fabricate and tell lies. They lie about where they’ve been and what they’ve done or said. But I remind you that a truth that is seen throughout the entire Bible is "Thou shalt not bear false witness," as it is stated in Exodus 20:16. That means don’t lie. There is no justification for lying, little or much. See John 8:44.

2. Many people who in no sense think of themselves as liars, really often do not tell the truth as they talk to others.

a. When they are talking, they don’t say what they mean, and if you don’t say what you mean, you are not really telling the truth.

b. On other occasions we use ambiguous and misleading words and sentences, thus the real facts are not communicated. Again the truth doesn’t come out.

c. This type of not telling the truth leaves many problems unsolved and often compounds existing problems.

3. Listen to what the Bible says about it.

a. "A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin," in Proverbs 26:28.

b. Proverbs 6:17 says one of the seven things that is an abomina- tion to the Lord is "a lying tongue," and Proverbs 19:5 says, "A false witness shall not be unpunished and he that speaketh lies shall not escape."

c. Solomon said in Proverbs 10:18, "He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool."

4. Don’t hide the truth to save your skin or make you look better, which according to Proverbs 20:6 is really why most people shade the truth. Be as Solomon who said, "For my mouth shall speak truth; and wickedness is an abomination to my lips," in Proverbs 8:7.

F. A sixth communication problem is the fact that we often talk but say nothing.

1. No doubt you know of people who are notorious for being wordy. They are always yakking about something, but they rarely, if ever, say anything of value or real substance. These people can annoy and bore you to tears.

2. Plenty of us do this very thing with our family members. We talk, but it is only "small talk." We never talk about real problems, never come forth with genuine solutions or plans. Folks, if that is your case, you are not really communicating.

3. Solomon said, "In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise," in Proverbs 10:19. He also said, "The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness," in Proverbs 15:2.

4. After people, including your family members, hear you talk repeatedly without saying anything, they will learn to tune you out, ignore you and pay no attention to what you say. Solomon said, "The mouth of the just bringeth forth wisdom...the lips of the righteous know what is acceptable," in Proverbs 10:31-32, but he also said, "A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing," in Proverbs 19:13.

5. As I Corinthians 14:19 will show you, a few words of real meaning and substance are better than thousands of words of clamor and "small talk."

G. A seventh problem that hinders good communications is failure of the hearer to believe what he is told.

1. As we’ve already considered, this is not to say that you are to believe obvious lies and things said in haste, anger or as a joke. Solomon said, "The simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going," in Proverbs 14:15.

2. But when your mate or another tells you something based on good evidence and in good faith, you should believe it. In fact, if you persist in not believing your family and friends when they are telling you the truth, they will soon quit telling you anything. There will be a complete communications breakdown. If you really love your wife, husband, children or parents, you will believe what they tell you, for I Corinthians 13:7 says love "believeth all things." So, when your family is talking to you in good faith, listen to and believe what they say.

H. An eighth great hindrance to good communications is our tendency to become angry at the truth.

1. Folks, there’s no point or sense at all in becoming angry at the one who tells you the truth about yourself. He didn’t make you what you are, and if something is wrong with you, it is not his fault. You ought to thank him for pointing it out to you so that you can do something to correct it.

2. Yet, the normal, fleshly reaction to the ones who point out the truth about some flaw or wrongdoing in you is to get angry at them about it and to say something critical of them in return. This is especially true between husbands and wives.

3. I call to your attention the fact that Proverbs 14:29 says, "He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly."

4. When you get angry at the truth, communications and reasoning breaks down and more trouble and dissension is bred. That is why Solomon said, "Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles. Proud and haughty scorner is his name, who dealeth in proud wrath," in Proverbs 21:23-24. You know you can’t reason and negotiate when you are mad.

5. You are just making a mockery out of your own self by becoming angry at the person who, in the spirit of love, points out your faults. That is why Proverbs 15:12 says, "A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise."

6. When you start fighting back against the one who points out your flaws, the result is likely to be a big "knock down and drag out." That is what Solomon is talking about when he says in Proverbs 18:6-7, "A fool’s lips enter into contentions, and his mouth calleth for strokes. A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul." Many a husband and wife have fought and even split because one or the other couldn’t stand the truth about him or herself. Rather than face it, they decided to fight about it. They would not control their own spirit, and Solomon said of such ones, "He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls," in Proverbs 25:28. On the other side of the coin he said, "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city," in Proverbs 16:32.

I. A final or ninth hindrance to good communications which I’d like to mention is our belief that people know something just because we told them.

1. It is not at all accurate to assume that someone knows something just because you tell them so. As we’ve already discussed, you may not have made yourself clear. They may not have understood your wording. They may have been under stress, or their attention may have drifted away, so don’t assume the subject is final just because you’ve talked about it. Your assumption that it is can leave many rough rocks in your pathway.

2. Along these same lines is the fact that so many assume the listener knows what is meant, or that the listener knows more than he actually does. This is evidenced by the great number of times we say "you know what I mean," and by how often we say "you know." The fact is, the listener doesn’t know, and never will unless you properly and clearly tell him.

III. LET ME CONCLUDE THIS STUDY BY TELLING YOU TO TALK TO, YOUR FAMILY, ESPECIALLY YOUR MATE. KEEP THE COMMUNICATION LINES OPEN, AND AS YOU DO IT KEEP THE FOLLOWING CONSIDERATIONS IN MIND.

A. First of all, always tell the truth.

1. Under divine inspiration Paul wrote to us to always speak the "truth in love," in Ephesians 4:15.

2. Solomon made these statements in Proverbs 12. He said, "He that speaketh the truth showeth forth righteousness," in verse 17. "The lip of truth shall be established forever: but a lying tongue is but for a moment," in verse 19. And he said in verse 22, "lying lips are abomination to the Lord; but they that deal truly are his delight."

3. The truth policy is the best policy. You never have to change the story when you tell the truth. Say what you mean and make it clear.

B. Second, always speak with love and kindness.

1. Even your stiffest corrections and hardest rebukes are much more likely to be received if they are spoken in genuine love and true compassion. Solomon said, "A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger," in Proverbs 15:1. People have a tendency to weigh what you say by the spirit in which you say it. Proverbs 25:15 promises, "a soft tongue breaketh the bone."

2. Solomon wrote, "Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and healeth to the bones," in Proverbs 16:24. I’ll guarantee you that kindness and love in your speech will make it desirable to people rather than something to be rejected.

3. Thus Colossians 4:6 says, "Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man."

C. Third, have something to say when you speak.

1. Don’t just talk to break the silence. You’ll run your listeners off. Have something concrete and of substance to say. Choose your words.

2. Solomon said, "A word spoken in due season, how good is it!" in Proverbs 15:23, but verse 14 of the same chapter says, "the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness." Job asked, "How forcible are right words! but what doth your arguing reprove?" in Job 6:25.

3. A wise person will speak only when it counts, thus Proverbs 17:17 says, "He that hath knowledge spareth his words," and Proverbs 13:3 says, "He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life."

4. You may be ignorant on a subject, but even then, if you’ll just shut your mouth about it, you’ll look much better than if you blurt out some stupid remark. Wise Solomon wrote, "Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise; and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding," in Proverbs 17:28. We have a modern proverb that puts it this way, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." This might give you some insight into why Paul taught us to "study to be quiet" in I Thessalonians 4:11.

D. Fourth, speak only when it will do good.

1. Don’t just speak for the sake of giving an answer. Don’t figure you’ve got to get in the last word. Don’t figure you’ve got to pass along rumors or even truths that would hurt or damage a person yet accomplish no good. Don’t think you’ve always got to defend yourself in a verbal attack. Solomon said, "A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter," in Proverbs 11:13. He also said in Proverbs 12:23, "A prudent man concealeth knowledge: but the heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness."

2. If you love your family and friends, and if you are truly seeking their well-being, you will be very careful what you say to and about them. Proverbs 17:9 says, "He that covereth a transgres- sion seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends."

3. By repeating material you can hurt and ruin people, and even destroy your own family. "The words of a talebearer are as wounds," according to Proverbs 18:8.

4. Let your speech always be for good and to help, never for bad and to hurt. Solomon said, "the tongue of the wise is health," in Proverbs 12:18, and in Proverbs 10:20-21, "The tongue of the just is as choice silver...the lips of the righteous feed many."

E. Fifth, listen to and read your listener.

1. Consider how they are taking what you say. See whether or not they are understanding you. If you see anger or rejection, you may have to back up and try a different approach or try at a later time.

2. At one point Paul said he had things he wanted to say to the Corinthians, but they weren’t ready to hear them yet, in I Corinthians 3:2. Jesus made the same point to the apostles in John 16:12 by saying, "I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now."

3. If you will stay in tune with your audience, you will do a much better job at communicating.

F. Sixth, be patient with your listener.

1. Understand his weaknesses, and don’t expect too much too soon.

2. Realize that he may have stresses and hindrances of which you know not. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

3. This is "forbearing one another in love," as Ephesians 4:2 and Colossians 3:13 teach us to do.

G. Seventh, think before you speak.

1. Say what is right, not just what comes to mind.

2. If you can’t say what is right and helpful, don’t say anything.

H. Eighth, don’t get angry at the truth. Consider it, and correct your mistakes.

I. Ninth, don’t take your listener for granted. Be sure that genuine communication has occurred. This you can determine by close observation and by questions and answers.

J. Finally, believe those who speak with you in good faith and with grounded information.

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"