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Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Strengthening A Weak Marriage
Part I

Chapter Twenty Two

INTRODUCTION: Text * I Peter 3:1-12

Your marriage may be weaker than you think. Like flourishing gardens and high-rise buildings, good marriages are not by accident. There are certain efforts and basic principles necessary to their well-being and strength. You cannot neglect or violate those right principles and have a strong marriage at the same time. So many couples think they have strong marriages and are shocked when things blow up, and the marriage falls apart. They grievously question, "Where did we go wrong?" What these couples don’t realize is that they never had a strong, well-built marriage. It was weak all along, and it was bound to troubles or ultimate failure. Husband, wife, you would do well to look at your marriage to see how strong it really is, and if you find it weak, you can initiate the steps necessary to strengthening it.

I call your attention to a wonderful passage in God’s word which addresses itself to this very subject. It is a passage that refers to marriage problems and advises how to strengthen weak marriages. Though it has other applications, it is noteworthy that this passage is specifically addressed to wives and husbands. The passage is I Peter 3:1-12, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil."

 

I. IN ORDER THAT YOU MIGHT GAGE HOW WEAK OR STRONG YOUR MARRIAGE IS, LET ME SHOW YOU THE STRUCTURE OF A SOLID, STRONG MARRIAGE.

A. The most vital and basic bonds and foundation materials for a marriage are the spiritual links.

1. No marriage can survive long and happily without spiritual bonds or adhesives. A marriage built on anything less than a spiritual foundation is like a house built upon the shifting sands. Jesus said when a few storms come, and they will come in marriages, a house (marriage) like that will fall, in Matthew 7:26-27.

2. When I speak of spiritual links, I am speaking of common agreements on the real issues of life. For example, one spiritual link is common acceptance of Jesus Christ as personal Saviour by both parties in the marriage. Another spiritual link is a common decision to make Christ the Lord of the home. Another is a common decision to accept His word, the Bible as the final word and authority in the home. Other spiritual links are common agreements on such things as a chain of command and authority, priorities in life, how to resolve conflicts, principles of commu- nication, doctrinal positions, and other such things. The list of spiritual links could go on and on.

3. The more of these spiritual links a marriage has, the stronger it will be. Like a sleeve held on by only two or three threads, a marriage joined by only two or three spiritual links is likely to rip apart under a little strain, although, when there are dozens or hundreds of spiritual links binding a husband and wife together, something else will rip or tear before that marriage breaks up.

4. It is these spiritual bonds, once they are sufficient in number, that make a husband and wife one in spirit. Philippians 1:27 refers to having "one spirit" and "one mind". Paul also wrote in I Corinthians 1:10, "Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgement." Can you think of any place where that ought to be more the case than in the home, between husband and wife, the two people whom God said in Genesis 2:24 should be "one flesh?" Not too long ago, Glen Ward cut off the end of his thumb. That made him two pieces, two pieces of flesh. The doctor stuck it back on and put a few stitches in to hold it in place. Then knitting began to occur, and before long, the two pieces of flesh became one. That is what spiritual bonds will do to a husband and wife; they will make these two "one spirit."

B. Growing out of this spiritual foundation, or these spiritual links are emotional links.

1. Emotional links are the plans and experiences you make and share together. You plan your new home together. You plan the purchase of a new car, for the arrival of a new child, and his education, a vacation you want to make, or your savings or retirement plan. As time goes by you experience sickness to- gether, you lose a loved one, you go through a financial crisis, or a serious accident or injury, and you may even face an attack or condemnation against your family from some outsider.

2. All these things tend to weld you together. They are emotional links, and they are good, but they, alone, do not have the strength to hold a marriage together.

3. It is noteworthy that you will automatically begin to admire and respect a mate who is fair and honest and who meets adversity and makes plans according to Godly principles. The more you respect and admire someone, the more emotionally you become attached. Husbands, that’s one of the reasons why you should live so honorably that you are your wife’s greatest hero, and wives, you should keep yourself in body and spirit so that your husband admires you above all other women. Let his emotions be for you. Don’t neglect yourself, treat him so harshly, or be so difficult with him that he starts admiring another woman, for if he does, he’ll become emotionally attached to her instead of you.

C. Finally, in marriage there are physical links.

1. This is where the two partners in marriage share their bodies together. Genesis 2:24 says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." This is repeated in Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7, I Corinthians 6:16 and Ephesians 5:31, and is a direct reference to the sex relations of married people.

2. Note well the order of the structure of a good strong marriage. It is spiritual, then emotional, and, only then, physical. And, only if the marriage has a strong spiritual foundation with strong emotional ties will there ever be really rich and satisfying physical union. Every husband and wife who do not build spiritual and emotional ties are selling their sex life short.

3. Also, you need to note well that you may have spiritual ties or links and emotional links with others beside your marriage mate, but there should never be a physical link between you and any other person besides your marriage mate. That is one area God has reserved exclusively for husbands and wives. God’s word, in Hebrews 13:4, says, "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." Note well that the bed is undefiled only in marriage. Sex outside of that relationship brings the judgment of the Almighty God of heaven.

You may reason that adultery is no worse than any other sin. Don’t kid yourself! It is one of the blackest of all sins, and it is worse than many others. That’s the reason adultery was punish able by death in Old Testament days, according to Leviticus 20:10. Lying, stealing, cursing or failure to worship wasn’t, but adultery, like premeditated murder and sodomy, was. That is sufficient to tell you that God doesn’t view every sin as being equal in size. Some are more hideous than others, and adultery is one of them. It is true that all sin is black and evil before God. No sin is tolerable and unoffensive, but some are more hideous than others. Take rattlesnakes for example. A ten inch rattlesnake is just as poisonous as a ten foot rattlesnake, and you don’t want to be bitten by either one, but if you must get bitten, you will choose the ten incher over the ten footer every time. Likewise, all sins are evil, but physical union by unmarried people is one of the worst kinds of all.

4. So, the structure of a solid marriage is first spiritual, then emotional, then physical.

 

II. BUT, FEWER AND FEWER MARRIAGES THESE DAYS ARE BUILT ON THIS GODLY STRUCTURE.

A. Instead of the marriage being built on a spiritual foundation, it is built on emotional or physical attractions.

1. Too many husbands and wives have nothing holding them together except what they are doing together, which is their emotional links. As long as they are constantly on the go, planning trips, new purchases or new projects, they manage to stick together, stormy though it be at times. But when they run out of plans and common enemies to fight, they find they have nothing together. This is one of the reasons many couples split up after the last child leaves home. They had no real spiritual ties for all those years. Their ties were mostly emotional, and emotional ties alone can’t hold a marriage together. If emotional ties are all you have, what happens when the kids are raised, your projects are finished, and you are too old to travel? I’ll tell you the answer. You either split the marriage or live together in constant conflict and unhappiness.

2. Too many young couples make physical attraction and union the main foundation of their marriages. In spite of the fact that good sex relations are only the symptom of a strong, healthy marriage, many try to make it the main basis or foundation of the marriage. It becomes a "cure all" for every marriage problem. When there is a fight, a disappointment or some other problem, sex is used to cure it. But, like drugs or liquor, sex doesn’t cure or solve marriage problems, and, before long, the novelty of it wears off, one or the other begins to resent it’s cheap use, the physical attraction wears off, and the marriage goes down the drain. If physical attraction is the basis of your attraction to your mate, or his to you, what is going to hold you together once the physical attraction has worn off? Girls, you’d better think about that before you go too far with a boy. If all that attracts him to you is your body, you won’t have him long after he has cheapened your body. Before you say "I do," you’d better be sure something more that your sex appeal is attracting him to you. And boys, you’d better be sure that girl is attracted to you by more than your good looks, masculine ways or your good-looking car.

3. Emotions fluctuate up and down; physical attraction wears down when it is made the basis for marriage and the honeymoon gets over. That mystical, romantic feeling that so many people think is love, is replaced with the realities of life. When that day comes, you’d better have some spiritual ties. If you don’t, your marriage is doomed to misery or failure or possibly both.

B. A spiritual foundation can give rise to tremendous emotional and physical ties, but the reverse is not true.

1. When you are one in spirit with your marriage mate, you can feel the emotions grow, and that stimulates physical attraction and gives depth to physical union. Physical union then does not leave you feeling dirty or cheated. To the contrary, the satisfaction is indescribable once you know that spirit, soul and body have touched; you’ve truly become one in every human respect.

2. But on the other hand, emotional ties and physical union do nothing to generate spiritual ties. Just because you have plans to be married doesn’t bring you one bit closer to common agreement on a chain of command in the home. A sex affair doesn’t contribute a single thing to your overcoming anger, materialism nor selfishness.

3. Don’t think for a minute that by emotional and physical ties you are strengthening your marriage if you’ve neglected the spiritual. They are good and needful, if used as a follow-up to spiritual ties, but they are useless if used as a substitute for spiritual ties. Spiritual union is the foundation area that can bind you strongly together long after emotional and physical union are past. But, if spiritual union is gone, emotional and physical union will not bind you for very long.

C. The ideal place to start building a right marriage relationship is in dating.

1. That’s why you teenagers and single adults need to listen and re-listen to this message. How much better it is to build a house right from the first, rather than have to drastically alter it in the middle of construction!

2. But, I am so sorry to say that too many couples have neglected to build their marriages on a solid foundation, and after a godly pattern. They’ve built on physical and emotional attractions and have almost entirely neglected the spiritual. They’ve inverted the pyramid, reversed the divine order of marriage construction. The results have been devastation, continuous conflict, disappointment and disillusionment, weak marriages and broken homes. Couples, it is high time that you return to a Godly order in marriage.

D. You may be saying that you can’t make it, that your marriage is too far gone.

1. That is not true. You can make it if you want to make it, but, you must want to make it, and you must try, in good faith, to change your shiftless, selfish ways. You must change yourself to fit the Godly pattern for a strong, solid marriage.

2. If you are a Christian, or if you will become a Christian, you can love your mate. That is true because the Holy Spirit of God lives in every child of God (I Corinthians 6:19-20), and "the fruit of the spirit is love," according to Galatians 5:22. If you let the Spirit of God control your life, you will love your marriage mate. It will be natural, and if you don’t love your mate, you testify against yourself that you are backslidden, in sin and out of fellowship with God and quenching His Spirit that lives within you.

3. I’ll guarantee you that if you are willing as God’s child, to surrender your stubborn, proud, self-will to God, you will love your mate. To say you can’t is a "cop-out," and calling God’s word a lie, which says the Spirit will produce love in you. You won’t love your mate or ever have a good strong marriage if you remain bent on having your way in your life and marriage, but, if you will give up your way in favor of God’s way, you can begin to strengthen or rebuild the wall that is weak or broken down. Yours can become a beautiful, happy marriage. Your dream of getting married and living happily ever after can begin to come true.

 

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"