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Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Adultery - Provoking Marriages

Chapter Twenty One

INTRODUCTION: Text * Proverbs 6:32-33

Divorce is on the increase, and it is estimated that 50% of all persons applying for a marriage license have already been married at least once. It is pretty evident that the vast majority of marriages in our country are in trouble today.

Many things have contributed to the rise of sex crimes and divorce, not the least of which is the way people, especially women, dress. In fact, the exposure of too much of the female body is one of the greatest invitations and causes of the impulsive, one-time fling. Many women dress too scantily, revealing too much leg, bare midriff and bosom. Others wear clothing that is too tight and suggestive. Males and females swimming together, and women stripping down to the bare necessities to go on tennis courts, serve as majorettes and on school drill teams, is an open invitation to adultery and fornication. Dancing gives rise to untold instances of adultery. If you think these things do not arouse passions and prurient interests in the opposite sex, particularly in males, you are too naive for your own good.

Adultery is the number one reason for divorce. Though it may not be stated in the divorce suits, adultery has occurred in most marriages that end up in divorce. This section is designed to look at adultery and the issues that produce it. Though dress habits are sometimes involved, as are other things, bad home situations are the number one cause of adultery, which usually in turn leads to divorce. We are here going to look into the home and see how a marriage can be an ADULTERY PROVOKING MARRIAGE.

Adultery or infidelity is rampant. People aren’t out having affairs because it is exciting to sneak off. Something is wrong in the marriage, and they look outside of it for the ego or emotional reassurance they need. Committing adultery is a stupid thing to do. It never solves or improves the problems. Instead, it always makes them worse. Solomon said in Proverbs 6:32-33, "But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonor shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away."

I. ADULTERY IS INFIDELITY TO YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER.

A. Webster’s New World Dictionary defines adultery as "sexual intercourse between a married person and another, not the spouse." So, you can see that adultery involves married people.

1. Adultery is not to be confused with fornication, which is defined by Webster as "voluntary sexual intercourse between unmarried persons." Fornication involves unmarried people. It is another whole subject about which the Bible speaks at great length. We will discuss that in another lesson. Occasionally fornication is used to speak of adultery.

2. Furthermore, the Bible speaks of spiritual adultery, which is what we as Christians are guilty of when we fall in love with the things of this world. This type of adultery is not being considered here. We are dealing with hard-core, physical adultery.

B. Any time you have a sex affair with anyone other than your marriage partner, you are guilty of adultery.

1. As most do, you can try to rationalize it, say you were pushed into it, say you didn’t mean any harm by it, and even try to convince yourself, like those of Proverbs 30:20, that nothing is wrong with it. But God calls it adultery, and as we shall see, it is a sin in the sight of God.

2. God’s Word says some of the acts most people think are acceptable today are really acts of adultery.

a. God said in Luke 16:18, "Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery." Mister, before you get mad and divorce your wife and remarry someone else, you’d better think this verse over. It is also stated in Mark 10:11.

b. Mark 10:12 says, "If a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery." Lady, before you get fed up and walk off, and marry someone else, you’d better think this verse over. Romans 7:2-3 says on this issue, "The woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress." Before you leave your husband or wife, you’d better be sure you have God’s approval, and so far as I can see in the Bible, only adultery is given as valid reason for divorce in Matthew 19:8-9. Mental cruelty, incompatibility and physical mistreatment are not recognized by God as grounds for divorce. The law of the land may free you for these reasons, but God doesn’t.

c. Furthermore, before you marry a person who has been divorced, you’d better look long and hard into the details as to why it happened. The last half of Luke 16:18 says, "Whoso ever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery." This is also stated in Matthew 19:9 and Matthew 5:32.

3. Like any other sin, adultery and divorce can be forgiven.

a. Jesus Himself said, "Wherefore I say unto you, all manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men," in Matthew 12:31. Since the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost could only be committed where the Word of God was accompanied by miraculous signs and wonders, then it cannot be committed today where the signs and wonders are not being performed in confirmation of the Word. Therefore, adultery, divorce and any other sin can be forgiven.

b. Though it is not within the scope of this discussion to deal with this subject in detail, it should be noted that everyone who has committed adultery, or who has divorced and remarried, should not despair and live in constant guilt. The thing to do is acknowledge the mistake before God, rectify whatever can be rectified, and go on and make the most of the rest of your life.

C. Adultery originates in the heart.

1. Jesus said, "But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart, and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies," in Matthew 15:18-19. Adultery comes out of the heart, and Mark 7:21-23 re-emphasizes this fact.

2. In light of this, you then can understand better what Jesus meant when He said in Matthew 5:28, "But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." You men who lust after women, or women who lust after men, need to realize that you have already sinned in your heart in God’s opinion. Such thoughts of lust are not right, so your heart is not right in the sight of God.

3. This lust in your heart, if let go, will eventually produce physical bodily adultery. That’s why you should not allow lust for women to linger in your heart. James said, "When lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin," in James 1:15. I tell you who look upon women, daydream of them,and think of ways you may get to them, that you are courting the actual physical act of adultery. Your heart is already wrong, as Galatians 5:19-21, will prove, and if you continue with that evil heart, you will soon compound it with evil actions. The fact is that the person who physically commits adultery is guilty of a two-fold sin, one with the heart and another with the body.

4. You who’ve reasoned that since you’ve already committed adultery in your heart, you may as well go ahead and make it physical, for you are already guilty, need to realize that you double your sin and the wrath of God upon you once you make the act physical. It’s bad enough to have an adulterous heart; it’s twice as bad to physically commit adultery.

II. NOW LOOK AT SOME OF THE HOME CONDITIONS OUT OF WHICH AN ADULTEROUS HEART DEVELOPS.

A. In a nutshell, most adultery grows out of troubled marriages.

1. Troubled marriages always produce sex problems. Many of the couples I counsel tell me they have a sex problem. I know immediately that this is a natural outgrowth of either one or many other unsolved problems in their home. Very rarely is it the result of some physical ailment. Furthermore, to my best knowledge, I have never counselled a couple with any type of marriage prob- lems who didn’t also have a sex problem to some degree.

2. I tell you today that you will never have a good satisfying bed partner at home until you start treating one another with respect according to the principles of God’s Word and solve your other marriage problems.

3. And furthermore, if you don’t have a decent bed partner at home, you need not look for one somewhere else. You will never ever find one in an adulterous, illicit affair with another man or woman. Your illusion needs to be punctured. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. If you think another man or woman can do for your passions what your husband or wife can’t, you’re in for a big, rude disappointment. You are not only going to fail in your search for satisfaction, you are also going to destroy anything you may already have and fill your heart full of guilt and shame. Your mate is soon going to know by your attitude that you’ve betrayed her or him. Solomon said, "For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life," in Proverbs 6:26. Adultery will ruin you. No wonder our text says, "But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonor shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away," in Proverbs 6:32-33.

4. Even the people who break up their marriages to marry their lovers rarely end up with them permanently. They try to make it work, usually break up and move on to a third person.

5. Adultery is not the gay, exciting, daring, satisfying romp that it might seem to be. It is a fantasy search that always leads to regrets and bitter consequences.

B. When things are not right at home and sex problems arise, it sets the stage for the development of an adulterous heart.

1. Passions are not satisfied at home, and they begin to burn in the husband or wife.

2. Their need for companionship is not met, and they become vulnerable for a shoulder to cry on.

3. People need to feel acceptance, and if they don’t get it at home, they will often start looking for it somewhere else, on a job, with friends, but too often with another man or woman.

4. In general, unsolved problems cause the husband and wife to drift further and further apart from each other. Too often while they are drifting apart from each other, they are drifting right into the arms of someone else.

C. Now let me be very specific about some of the conditions in marriage that tend to provoke or lead to adultery.

1. Failure by one or both of the marriage partners to shoulder the responsibilities of his or her position.

a. God is the one who has told the husband to be the head of the home in Ephesians 5:23. That means providing for economic needs. It means dedication to and protection for the family. It means doing right and providing the spiritual drive and initiative in the family. It means consideration, awareness, understanding, work and lots of other good things. When a husband fails in these things, his wife begins to lose respect for him and to scorn him as cheap, weak and spineless. He may not realize it, but a husband like this is setting his wife up for adultery. She is very likely to start looking at other men who do have these qualities, and she often starts admiring those other men. Thus, the seeds of infidelity are planted in her heart, and many times they result in a crop of adultery.

b. Furthermore, God is the one who said the wife is to be subject to her husband in Ephesians 5:22. That means following him. It means keeping the house clean, teaching the children respect and obedience, letting his will trump yours, except in areas where he would have you do wrong before God according to Acts 5:29, and being loyal, consistent, fair and respectful. It also means much more. Once you begin to dominate your husband and rebel against his authority and leadership over you, he will resent it and be hurt in his heart. He is quite likely to be attracted to some other woman who will submit herself to him, and adultery and divorce are the probable outcomes of all of it.

c. You many not have realized it, but if you are not playing the role that God established for the husband or the wife in your marriage, you are provoking your mate to adultery. Maybe he or she will have enough of God’s grace to never go through with it, but what you are doing is surely an encouragement to them to do the wrong thing.

2. Another condition that tends to provoke infidelity in marriage is for couples to spend too little time together.

a. Husbands, your wives need to see you sometimes. They do need to be with you and companionship with you. And wives, the same is true with your husbands. They need you. Jobs can take too much of your time, men. Ladies, running here and there with the children, a public job for you, civic and even church involvement can take too much of your time.

b. Any thing that takes so much of your time that it begins to interfere with your home life is a dangerous thing, and it can plant the seeds of infidelity in your mate.

3. Another adultery provoking condition that is closely akin to the time problem is the problem of husbands and wives having too little in common.

a. Many couples lead almost entirely separate lives. They really have very little in common. About all they do is share the same roof and sleep together, and when that is the case, they never sleep very well.

b. The Bible says a man should "Leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh," in Genesis 2:24. That means husband and wife must share in life, time, interests, food, ideas, cars, money, children and in many other areas of life.

c. Yet, in spite of this divine plan, many husbands and wives live in two almost entirely separate worlds. She knows nothing of his life at work, and he knows nothing of her struggles at home with the budget and children. They have their separate friends, his at work, her’s neighbors or phone friends. Rarely do they go places together, talk together, undertake projects together, visit friends together, work on the house or lawn together, or do anything else together.

d. Many times, even when they are in each other’s company, they are not together. He’s absorbed in the newspaper, watching TV, and she’s cleaning house, reading a book or chasing kids. They are together, but far apart, in the same room or automobile but not sharing. A country and western songwriter once put his finger on many a home’s problems when he said "You give your hand to me, and you say hello...but you don’t know me."

e. I can tell you men and ladies, when you quit sharing with your mate, you are courting adultery and divorce.

4. Selfishness is another condition that provokes adultery.

a. When you have your own personal interests first, instead of the interests of the Lord and your family, your mate will see it and resent you for it.

b. This is especially true when your personal interests come at the expense of your mate or children. When you make it hard on them just so you can satisfy your own desires, they’ll resent and disrespect you for it.

c. Really, selfishness destroys sharing. It is getting and not giving, and sharing involves both getting and giving.

d. You can, and usually will, drive your mate away, and often into the arms of someone else when you use the time, money, car, and make decisions that satisfy only your interests without giving due regard to the interests of your mate and children.

5. Another thing that will drive away your marriage mate is to see you lose your personal integrity and respect.

a. Most people, especially your marriage partner, can soon see through the veneer and tell what your true attitudes and character are. Your mate wants to know that you have good, solid character and integrity. He wants to believe that you are genuinely honest, trustworthy and loyal. He wants to believe that you really care and have compassion.

b. If you cheat on others, your mate will know deep inside that you will cheat on him, too. If you lie to others, your mate will never fully trust you. If you are critical, merciless and without sympathy and understanding to others, your mate will expect that under the right circumstances, you will be that way to him, too.

c. Furthermore, your mate will be turned away when you lose your self respect. This will be evidenced when you let yourself go uncleaned and with body odor, when you don’t groom yourself, when you let yourself get too fat and slouch, and when you become helter-skelter in your affairs.

d. These things tend to drive you apart, and to lay foundations of infidelity.

6. Furthermore, failure to accept your mate into your heart will alienate him or her.

a. Everyone has flaws both physically and in character. Ecclesiastes 7:20, 29 show this. You should, with grace, seek to improve and change for the better the things in your mate that can be changed. It may be a tendency to over-spend, a hot temper, a bad habit, an overweight problem or something else.

b. You have to be patient and not expect too much too soon. You should not go about improving your mate like a "bull in a china closet." You can, without wisdom and tact, do more harm than good. It is noteworthy that one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, if He is allowed to rule your heart, will be "gentleness."

c. While you may see flaws in your mate, you must at the same time accept him into your heart in love. Let him or her know that it is not his or her person that you seek to change but the flaw. If it is an unchangeable flaw, let him or her know that you love and respect him or her in spite of it. This is the scriptural act of "forbearing one another in love," in Ephesians 4:2 and Colossians 3:13.

d. If you don’t accept your mate, you are likely to lose him or her to someone who will. Everybody needs and seeks acceptance. It is one of the strongest drives in life. Above all, you need to accept your mate.

7. Arguing and strife in the home will also drive husbands and wives apart.

a. The Bible says, "God is not the author of confusion, but of peace," in I Corinthians 14:33. Nobody likes griping and turmoil. It frays the nerves and creates unrest and doubts in people’s minds. It is a constant reminder of unsolved prob- lems, for James 3:16 says, "For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work."

b. Ladies, don’t nag your husbands. Men, don’t gripe and continually condemn your wives. Jesus said, "Every city or house divided against itself shall not stand," in Matthew 12:25. I believe that. I don’t think your house can stand too long if you allow strife, turmoil, nagging, griping, criticizing, fighting and the like in it.

c. With these things, you can hurt your marriage partner so badly that he or she will need a shoulder to cry on. Once he gets it, some unscrupulous person is very likely to lead him on and on in the name of sympathy and concern, into an adulterous affair.

D. If things are right at home, your mate will not be nearly as tempted to play around on you, but if they are not, he will be tempted.

1. You may say, "I don’t have anything at home." I ask, "Why don’t you set out to build something at home?" Court your wife. Amend your ways. Clear up the hurts and wrongs of which you’ve been guilty.

2. Establish right policies and principles in your home.

a. Conquer selfishness. Start being considerate, gentle and understanding.

b. Demonstrate your love for your mate. Don’t just assume that he or she knows it. Tell him and let it be evident in the things you do.

c. Show respect and live in such integrity that your partner can respect you.

d. Accept and live within the role that God has appointed and set up for you.

e. Do things together. Share your lives and spend as much of your time as possible sharing life. Communicate. Don’t keep each other guessing and in the dark.

f. Begin to put God first and do what is right before Him.

g. Start putting the interests of your home high on your list of priorities.

3. The doing of these things will make a world of difference.

4. The tragedy with many marriages is that they’ve not failed in just one or two of the areas I’ve mentioned; they’ve failed in several. Thus, the home is highly unstable, and the likelihood of adultery and divorce is greatly multiplied.

III. WHATEVER THE CONDITIONS THAT CAUSE IT, THERE IS NO REALLY JUSTIFIABLE, LEGITIMATE REASON FOR ADULTERY.

A. You can reason and rationalize till doomsday, but adultery is still wrong and sin in the sight of Almighty God.

1. At least seven times scattered throughout the Old and New Testament, God says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." Exodus 20:14, Romans 13:9, and Matthew 5:29 are just a few examples. God says don’t do it, and it doesn’t matter what the circumstances and conditions are. That includes both a one-night stand and a prolonged affair.

2. God says in Hebrews 13:4, "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." He continues in I Corinthians 6:9-10, "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Be not deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the Kingdom of God."

3. In Old Testament days they simply killed adulterers and adulter- esses. Leviticus 20:10 says, "And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death."

4. Any way you want to look at it, adultery is wrong, and the men and women who do it know it is wrong. That is why they sneak around to do it and try to hide it when they do. Job said, "The eye also of the adulterer waiteth for the twilight, saying, No eye shall see me and disguiseth his face," in Job 24:15. That’s why men and women sneak off to some remote motel and register under an alias name. That’s why call girls wait until dark to solicit their dirty business, and why massage parlors build fences behind which their patrons can park. As bold and as rebellious as many modern men and women are these days against God’s codes of moral integrity, they still know adultery is wrong.

B. Adultery has its sinister price tag.

1. When Hebrews 13:4 says, "Whoremongers and adulteresses God will judge," it is not just idle talk. As our text put it, "He that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonor shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away."

2. Infidelity is the soul of a lot of misery.

a. Guilt is one of the most devastating and awesome consequences of adultery. Most people intend to stay faithful to the person they marry when they make their original commitments. There is a tremendous guilt for going against your own word. As Joseph’s brothers illustrate in Genesis 42:21, guilt has a way of laying there year after year to haunt you and haunt you over and over and over. Guilt is a scourge of God that monopolizes your thoughts and finds its way into your dreams and day dreams. The fact that you are guilty before God compounds the problem, for the Lord knows even the thoughts, according to Psalms 139:1-4, and that ugly thing will someday be brought to light for Romans 4:11-12 says, "every tongue shall confess to God. So then every one of us shall give an account of himself to God."

b. A thing that makes the guilt heavier to bear is the fact that adultery is a personal crime against your mate. It is a personal crime because you know precisely whom you are betraying and injuring. It hurts to see that you’ve smitten the very one who trusted you. Many men and women, upon committing adultery wish their mate would also commit adultery so they could be mad about it and feel justified in their own sin. But those wounds you inflict without cause upon another come back to haunt you. Women tend to feel more guilty than men in this.

c. Adding to the misery of adultery is the fact that adultery, especially long-time affairs, requires constant deception. It is the double-life problem, always trying to cover up and act as though nothing is wrong. It is the problem of keeping it from the mate and their fear of being found out.

d. The stress on an unfaithful person can be enormous. He worries about the wife finding out, or vice-versa. It hurts that the spouse has remained faithful and he hasn’t. He especially worries about the children finding out. He knows the hurt they are going to feel. He knows the anger and scorn they will have for him over it. He is also aware of the social disapproval of adultery. He hates what his fellow employees will think and what the neighbors will think. He is especially concerned about what friends will think, and what the church will think.

e. Many adulterers and adulteresses start punishing themselves. Besides the worry, fear, guilt and regret, they start criticizing and condemning themselves. They start trying to buy off the family and marriage partner. they over-compensate and get the marriage in an ever increasing mess.

f. As we’ve seen already, all this stress and strain can end up costing bundles of money, destroying the home, destroying the lives and happiness of countless people, giving high blood pressure, giving heart attacks, causing drinking and drug addictions, and ruining and perverting the lives of the children.

3. I am here to tell you that adultery is a smutty, wicked, ugly thing. Mister, don’t do it. Lady, forget the idea. Stay with your spouse and work out your marriage problems. If yours is an adultery provoking marriage, get rid of those conditions from which an adulterous heart grows. Be wise. Realize what can happen by your carelessness and unconcern. Start now to head off those things that could be disaster if let go. I can assure you that it will be well worth whatever effort it takes on your part.

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"