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Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Selfishness in the Home

Chapter Twenty

INTRODUCTION: Text * II Peter 2:9-10

The Apostle Peter mentions a type of people whom we shall consider in this lesson. They are mentioned in II Peter 2:9-10. "The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, self-willed, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities." This passage tells you that selfish, presumptuous people have the judgment of Almighty God waiting in store for them. These are people who "despise government." That simply means they do not want to be governed or told what to do. They resent authority over them and want to do their own thing. They do not want to submit to God’s laws governing the church, the nation or the home. Instead, they are "self-willed."

This passage may be describing you. It could be that some of you young people have resented or despised the government, or authority, of your parents over you. Some of you wives have despised or resented the authority of your husband over you. It may very well be that many of you husbands have despised the authority of God to govern you. You don’t like having to be gentle and considerate to your wife. You don’t like having to provide Godly Christian leadership in the home. You don’t like having to get up and keep the house repaired, the children disciplined and the bills paid. No sir, you don’t like God’s government over you, the responsibilities He has laid on you. You’d rather goof off, lay around the house, come and go as you please, leaving the running of the household, discipline of the children, and the spiritual training and leadership of the family up to your wife. As much as you dislike facing it, you are self-willed. You are not really, genuinely interested in anybody but yourself, or anything that will not directly or indirectly benefit you.

You use the fact that God has made you the head of the family as a cloak under which to hide. You think because you are the head, you can do anything you please, but that is not so. In fact, your position as the head of the family places the greatest responsibilities of all upon you. Jesus said, "Whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant," in Matthew 20:27. As head over the family, God expects you, above all, to buckle down and abide by His family-governing laws. You have no right to do as you please. You are obligated before God to conduct your family according to the way He says is right. You are not at liberty to place your responsibility to have your children in God’s house on your wife. You can’t dump your family responsibilities on your wife or children, and selfishly strut around as if you are the king of the mountain with no responsibilities and with the liberty to do as you please. The responsibilities God has put on your shoulders as head of the house are non-transferrable.

In fact, God even holds you responsible to a great degree for the actions of the other family members, but He doesn’t hold them equally responsible for you. Husband, if your home breaks up, God is going to hold you first and mostly responsible for it. If your son or daughter gets into trouble, God is going to be looking to you about it. It will not suffice for you to say that "I gave my wife charge over them, and she’s to blame," or "I let my children choose for themselves and make up their own minds." You can’t shuck your God-given responsibilities and lay them off on someone else. You may "cop out" on them, and justify it in your mind, but I am here to tell you that God will still hold you responsible and accountable. This is well illustrated in Eli, of I Samuel 1-3. Eli’s sons were vile and wicked, and Eli even spoke with them about it, but I Samuel 2:25 says, "Not withstanding they harkened not unto the voice of their father." You might say that Eli surely could not be held accountable for what these big sons of his did, but God said he was. I Samuel 3:13 records these words of God about Eli, "For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not." Just as He did Eli, God will hold every one of you husbands first and directly responsible for the conduct of your wife and children. You’d better not "cop out" on your responsibilities and try to transfer them off onto someone else. You’d better take care of what God gave you to handle. To do any less is selfishness, and a despising of God’s government over you.

Selfishness is one of the most obnoxious, destructive forces that can enter a home, and if you are selfish, you’d better listen very carefully lest you lose everything that you’ve ever counted dear and precious. Selfishness is defined as "having such regard for one’s own interest and advantages that the welfare of others becomes of less concern than is considered just." Selfishness is very close kin to pride. Webster says pride is an "over-opinion of oneself; exaggerated self-esteem; haughtiness; arrogance." So you can see that both selfishness and pride deal with satisfying your own self-interests, without due regard to the interests of anybody else, including your employer, your children, your husband, your wife or your God. It is out of selfishness and pride that jealousy grows. Jealousy is worry or fear that someone is going to take some of the love, attention or goods that you think belong to you. It is unhappiness because someone has something you want. It is envy in you. This rank, ungodly, jealousy is well illustrated in Ahab, the vile king of Israel. I Kings 21:1-4 tells how Naboth had a vineyard in Jezreel which he had inherited from his forefathers. But Ahab, who already owned most of the lands of Israel, was not content with what he had. He wanted Naboth’s little bit, too. He was selfish, jealous and envious over it, and when Naboth refused to give it to him or be traded out of it, verse 4 says, "And Ahab came into his house heavy and displeased because of the word which Naboth the Jezreelite had spoken to him: for he had said, I will not give thee the inheritance of my fathers. And, he laid him down upon his bed, and turned away his face, and would eat no bread." His selfishness and jealousy ultimately allowed Naboth to be murdered so that he could have that vineyard.

I. SELF-WILL AND AN INFLATED OPINION OF SELF IS THE PRIME PROBLEM IN NEARLY EVERY TROUBLED HOME.

A. Self-will, pride and jealousy ignores turning of your rights over to God and inflates your personal rights.

1. No doubt Ahab of I Kings 21:1-4 reasoned that he was king, and the king should have whatever he wanted. He wasn’t thinking about Naboth’s rights; he was only thinking about his rights. The truth was, he had no right to Naboth’s inheritance. He had an inflated opinion of himself, and that is pride. He had only his personal interests at heart, and that is self-will. He was unhappy that someone else had something that he wanted, and that is jealousy.

2. It is probably true that many of you have these same ungodly attitudes in you. You have never given your rights to God, and you don’t look to Him to take care of you and your needs. You still think you have a right to be loved, a right to a good job, a right to fair treatment, a right to have people listen to you and give in to you, a right to go and come as you please, and a right to use your time and money as you see fit.

3. Can’t you see that your problem is pride and an inflated opinion of yourself? You want what you really have no right to have. You are thinking too much of yourself and not enough of others. What you need to do is get rid of your rights and turn them all over to God. Then you could quit expecting from people and start looking to God for your help. You’d quit wanting what belongs to others, quit thinking of self and realize that you really are not so high and mighty.

B. Self-will, pride and jealousy are really at the root of all your family problems.

1. Other factors may enter in, but pride and selfishness is always there.

2. The Bible says, "Only by pride cometh contention," in Proverbs 13:10. It is only by self-will, when you have an inflated opinion of yourself and your rights, when you think somebody owes you something and what they have ought to be yours, that contention and trouble arise.

3. David said, "The wicked in his pride (and pride is an inflated opinion of self) doth persecute the poor," in Psalm 10:2, and he continued in verse 4, "The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts."

4. Pride or self-will is definitely a trait of foolish and wicked people. David wrote of them in Psalm 73:6, "Therefore pride compasseth them about as a chain: violence covereth them as a garment."

5. Many men want all of the affections of the wife for themselves. They are miffed and hurt when she shows affection and does things for the children. They don't want the wife having much to do with a neighbor, spending time at church or in soul-winning, or being friendly or kind to other men. They want her all for themselves. They expect that whatever they want, she should supply on demand. When they want a hot meal, she should have it ready; when they want a bed partner, she should be ready; when they want to take a trip or stay home, she should be ready. They want her to keep everything spotless and in top shape for them, and all her kindness is to be their's exclusively. In general, she should be just for them. They are not really interested in giving anything to her in return, never in cramping their style or buckling down to responsibilities for her. The truth is that they are out to satisfy self. They have an inflated opinion of self and think that everybody, especially their wives, ought to give in to their wants. In a nutshell it is rank self- will, Godless pride and cruel jealousy. It is quite common for women and children to have the same basic attitudes, expecting that the rest of the family owes them something and that they really owe nothing in return. They are looking out for number one only, and they have the false, inflated idea that they are number one. They are jealous of anything someone else in the family gets, be it goods or attention. They want it all for themselves. 6. Solomon wrote, "Jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame," in Song of Solomon 8:6.

7. I personally have observed that cruelty on numerous occasions. Cruel words have cut the hearts of friends and loved ones in jealousy; hurtful, spiteful acts have been perpetrated against the innocent as a result of pride and jealousy. Just a few weeks ago, the crying of a little six year old boy who was sick interfered with the pot smoking, sex party of a young Houston couple. This couple, in their self-will, pride and jealousy wanted all their attention for themselves, so they cruelly whipped the little boy and wrapped him in a heavy blanket where he soon suffocated to death. To hide the cruel crime of their jealousy, they stored him for a while in a mini-storage building. Then they took him out Steubner-Airline and buried him in the road ditch near Cypress Creek. Jealousy is cruel, even to innocent little children.

8. I’ll never forget the hurt I felt and saw in a loved one of mine some years ago, when she saw and hugged a dear, close cousin in the front of church. The lady had not seen him in many years, and she was so happy to be reunited again. Her new, jealous husband jumped in his car and roared off in a foolish, jealous rage. He was ready for a divorce, and no amount of reason with him had any bearing. Later he realized what a fool he’d made of himself.

9. I know a lady who recently left her husband. In the name of love he smothered her. He resented her going to church. He was often rude to friends and family, sulking, not speaking and even withdrawing to a back room of the house with closed doors. He was harsh with the children, except now and then when he might want a little of their attention. He exhibited harsh anger if they interfered with his paper reading, television watching and particularly if they happened to damage something around the house. When he wanted sex, he expected his wife ought to just drop everything and cooperate, and when he finished, he didn’t care that she might be just getting started. You see, it was all self with him. It was a get and no give spirit. Like so many husbands these days, and even many wives and children, he was self-willed, proud and jealous.

II. PRIDE, SELF-WILL AND JEALOUSY WILL EVENTUALLY DESTROY YOU.

A. God’s Word makes that promise to you.

1. It says in Proverbs 16:18-19, "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud." Oh, if you want to fall and be destroyed, follow self-will and pride. It is the surest way to failure, to the loss of your job, to the loss of your friends, to the destruction of your church, to the ruin of your home.

2. Solomon said, "A man’s pride shall bring him low," in Proverbs 29:23. God sees to that, for as James 4:6 says, "God resisteth the proud...." Thus, He said in II Samuel 22:28, "And the afflicted people thou wilt save...but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mightest bring them down."

3. God promised in Matthew 23:12, "Whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased." His words in Jeremiah 50:31-32 are, "Behold I am against thee, O thou most proud, saith the Lord of hosts: for thy day is come, the time that I will visit thee. And the most proud shall stumble and fall, and none shall raise him up: and I will kindle a fire in his cities, and it shall devour all round about him."

4. No wonder Solomon thus said in Proverbs 11:2, "When pride cometh, then cometh shame."

B. Folks, these promises are coming true around us with every passing day.

1. Self-will, arrogance, pride and jealousy are breaking apart lives and homes by the thousands.

2. Too many are too proud and too self-centered to admit the problem. They refuse to admit that the root of their troubles is really their self-centeredness and an inflated opinion of self. They stubbornly refuse to admit that they are jealous with an all get and never give attitude.

3. Thousands of people refuse to say, "I was wrong; I’m sorry." They’d rather die by degrees, have a miserable, stormy life and lose their families, and all that is dear and precious in life, than to humble themselves and quit looking out for only their personal self-interests. Without realizing it, they’ve played right into the hands of the devil, and his only intent is to devour them, according to I Peter 5:8. I Timothy 3:6 warns against "being lifted with pride" lest you "fall into the condemnation of the devil." You will remember that pride is his condemnation in Isaiah 14:12-15.

III. THE DEVILISH ATTITUDES OF PRIDE, SELF-WILL AND JEAL- OUSY ARE DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED TO THOSE GODLY PRINCIPLES NECESSARY TO THE HAVING OF A GOOD, WARM, SOUND HOME AND LIFE.

A. Instead of being proud and self-willed and jealous of others, God’s Word says be humble, and seek the well-being of others, and rejoice in the good things they receive.

1. I Peter 5:6 says, "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time." Don’t seek to exalt self. Let God exalt you, for as Matthew 10:39 says, "He that findeth his life shall lose it; and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."

2. Romans 12:3 says, "to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think," and that is a call for the very opposite of pride, which is an overly high opinion of self.

3. I Corinthians 10:24 says, "Let no man seek his own. But every man another’s wealth," and if you really love those around you, including your family, you will look out for their interests, not your own, for as I Corinthians 13:5 says, love "seeketh not her own." This is why Paul wrote in Romans 15:2, "Let every one of us please his neighbor for his good to edification."

B. Folks, I am here to tell you that the practicing of these Godly exhortations would improve the quality of life for most of us a thousandfold.

1. The death of self-gratification, an inflated opinion of self and a resentment of the good that others receive would add untold joy and fulfillment to most lives and draw family members together like giant magnets.

2. It is indeed "more blessed to give than to receive," just like Jesus said it is in Acts 20:35. In giving, you strangely get. In satisfying the needs of others, you somehow also satisfy your own needs. God does give more grace to the humble in I Peter 5:5.

3. Don’t let your life be ruined and your home broken to pieces. Humble yourself. Get rid of pride and self-will. Quit thinking you’re number one and realize that only God deserves that place. Put Him there and start looking for His glory and the well-being of His people, instead of your own well-being. Be glad when they are blessed and quit expecting them to cater to you.

4. If you’ll do that, your life will take a radical change to the better, and you may eventually come to realize what King David meant when he said in Psalm 23:5-6, "My cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"