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Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Cut the Apron Strings

Chapter Sixteen

INTRODUCTION: Text * Luke 17:1-2

This chapter will be applied mostly to the family, but the principles of truth involved can be applied where ever offenses are found. Offenses are common everywhere, between nations and neighbors, in churches, in schools, on jobs, between friends and particularly between family members. By the thousands homes are daily self-destructing, leaving a gory wake of hatred, bitterness and resentment. Even in families that are still together, there are usually many, many unsettled offenses, resulting in bitterness, bad feelings and resentments. And, there are grown people by the millions today who have never gotten over hurts and offenses that they experienced as little children at home.

It would seem that a logical place to start a lesson on offenses would be an application to the home. If family members would learn how to solve offenses at home, not only would the home turn into a place of greater peace and happiness, but these people would also get along better in every other area of life, with friends, at school, with neighbors, on the job, at church and where ever they went. The adults, who are today full of animosities, hatreds, bitternesses and quarrels with others are just children who never learned how to deal with offenses at home. The learning of how to deal with offenses can save marriages, bring harmony to homes, and equip people to face the cruelties of life with a right spirit that cushions the blows and prevents the hatreds and bitternesses that wreck and destroy so many lives and so much happiness. Parents, you need to teach this principle to your children. Husbands and wives, you need to learn this principle so that you may dwell together in peace. Children, you need to learn this principle to prevent your life from becoming cruel, bitter, hard and full of self-pity.

The text verses say, "It is impossible but that offenses will come." That being true, then every one of you have had or will have offenses in your life. They are most likely to come with those with whom you associate most. That means the family is one of the most likely places for offenses, and observation proves this is where they most often occur. There is a pressing need to know what they are and how to solve them. W.E. Vine, in his Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words points out that as many as four Greek words can be translated into English as "offence," three of these being nouns. The offence is defined by him to mean:

1. a trap or snare,

2. an obstacle which might cause one to stumble, or

3. something that leads others to error or sin.

I. THERE IS NOT ONE OF US WHO HAS NOT BEEN INVOLVED AS EITHER THE CAUSE OR THE OBJECT OF SOME OFFENCE.

A. Some are intentional and deliberate; others are unintentional and innocent, but they still offend and hurt.

1. Jesus said in Matthew 18:7 that "it must needs be that offenses come," and remember the text, "it is impossible but that offenses will come, " in Luke 17:1.

2. Promises are made that are not kept, words are spoken that hurt, deeds are done that disappoint and injure and none of these may be intended to anyone’s hurt or offence.

3. How many times have you in anger said hurtful words to your family, wife, husband, children, parents, brother, sister, grandparents, in-laws? No doubt your conduct has really disappointed these who love you. Maybe you’ve ignored their kindness, ignored their feelings and wishes in matters and criticized their sincerest, best offers.

4. I suspect that everybody hearing these words can think of plenty of offenses you have with people, particularly your family. You can remember some lie that was told on you, when you were falsely accused, that somebody misused you; you were punished without just cause; somebody misrepresented what you said or did; somebody lied to you; somebody betrayed your confidence; they spurned your love and kindness; they were harsh and cruel to you; they were inconsiderate of you; they were selfish, and they disappointed and hurt you, and surely there are thousands of other ways you may have suffered offence.

B. Let me first advise you who’ve been offended that you not be so quick to take offence.

1. James warns and counsels on this in James 1:19-20, "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God."

2. Some people take offence at the most trivial things, and they harbor a long resentment over matters that were as innocent as a lamb. For example, I know wives who act as though their husbands deliberately planned to aggravate and disrupt them, because he was forced to work late at the job and was a few minutes late to supper. I’m talking about people who are "thin-skinned," who have a "chip on their shoulder" that a flea can knock off.

3. What many of you need is to develop a little spiritual maturity. You are such a baby that you whine and cry at every little point. If you’d study God’s Word, you’d begin developing some insight into the shortcomings of those around you. That would make you quit expecting so much out of them. You’d expect some failures and misjudgments from them, and you wouldn’t be so offended when things come up that disappoint. A little maturity would keep you from making a mountain out of a molehill and keep you from getting all up in arms over innocent occurrences. Jesus said, "These things have I spoken unto you, that ye should not be offended," in John 16:1. But you will be offended if you refuse to acquaint yourself with the words of wisdom which He has spoken. David wrote, "Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them," in Psalm 119:165.

4. If you are one of those people who has a whole bunch of offenses stacked up in you, and people always seem to be doing things that hurt you, you need to do some self-examination. Chances are you are ignorant of the very truths of God’s word that would strengthen and fortify you against offence, and you are really a spoiled baby in a spiritual sense. It’s not that the people around you are so cruel and always wrong; the fact is, you are too childish to function properly under ordinary, usual conditions. In Matthew 11:6 Jesus said, "Blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me."

C. Let me warn each of you that you’d better be extremely careful that you don’t give legitimate reasons for offenses to others.

1. Jesus warned in Matthew 18:6, "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones, which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."

2. Paul wrote, "Give none offence, neither to the Jews, nor to the Gentiles, nor the Church of God," in I Corinthians 10:32. He said in Philippians 1:9-10, "And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; that ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ." In II Corinthians 6:3, "Giving no offence in any thing." His own testimony in I Corinthians 8:12-13 was, "But when ye sin so against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, ye sin against Christ. while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend." Paul said in Romans 14:13, "that no man put a stumbling block or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way," and he added in Romans 14:21, "It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor anything whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak."

3. It would be difficult to mistake the fact that it is wrong to deliberately or legitimately hurt or offend other people. I say "legitimately offend" because some people are offended without any just reason to be. For example, on the night of Jesus’ crucifixion, the disciples were offended, in Matthew 26:31, and they had no legitimate reason for their offence. Certainly our Lord could not be blamed in it. There is a difference in this and a roughshod, cruel or careless effort to offend or hurt another person.

4. James said, "If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body," in James 3:2. So every one of us should be careful that we don’t give offence to others. We will be involved in offenses, but let it not be due to any fault or error on our part.

II. OFFENSES CAUSE MUCH DESTRUCTION AND HEARTACHE IN THE HEARTS OF PEOPLE.

A. They cause resentments, hurts, hatreds, bitternesses, disappointments, spirits of revenge and many other attitudes that generate conflicts and drive people apart.

1. Hebrews 12:14-15 says, "Follow peace with all men, and holi- ness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."

2. Bitterness is a "sharp and disagreeable taste: harshness." How often this attitude springs up in the hearts of people who feel they’ve been wronged. They’ve been mistreated, and they resent it. Their spirit of warmth and closeness to that person seems to melt away, and they pity themselves and harbor bad feelings and even a spirit of revenge in the heart. For example, the husband comes in beaten from work. He doesn’t talk freely to the wife. She is offended. In her heart she feels left out, and she resents it. So she clams up, doesn’t do her best job with supper and is cold in bed. Though she might deny it, she has demonstrated the spirit of resentment and revenge. Another example is that Dad or Mom promised Junior a new bicycle, but they didn’t have the money to get it. Junior is offended. He is disappointed and hurt, and he thinks they lied to him. He resents it and pouts and drags around reluctantly doing what he is told to do.

3. The tragedy is that these offenses keep stacking up, one upon another, until the heart is just full of evil thoughts, attitudes and bitterness. Some of you can right now remember offenses that occurred to you years ago, perhaps even when you were just a child.

4. No wonder so many lives are twisted and mangled and miserable. Their hearts are like a boiling, overflowing witches’ caldron that’s reeking with corruption from old offenses that never were settled. Their mouths testify that their hearts are corrupt. Jesus said, "But these things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies," in Matthew 15:18-19.

B. For the sake of your own well-being and the sake of your family and everybody around you, don’t take lightly your offensive actions and words.

1. Solomon wrote, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick," in Proverbs 13:12, and from a sick heart you can expect infections, corruptions, vomit and every other kind of life-wrecking symp- toms.

2. Once you commit an offence, it is not always easy to get it all straightened out. Solomon again said, "A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle," in Proverbs 18:19. Some of you have discovered that. You’ve hurt your wife so much that you can’t get her affections back. You’ve disappointed and let your children down so many times that they don’t respect you and listen to you much anymore. The truth is that many of your lives are in such a tangled-up mess, with so many things fouled up, so many offenses and hurts piled up, that it looks impossible to you that it will ever be turned around. Like Solomon said, you could come nearer winning a military victory over Houston than you could regaining your wife and family.

3. Old men are suffering now from offenses they received in their youth. Dads and mothers are hurting and embittering their children in the same ways they were hurt and embittered as children. Husbands are at wives, vice-versa. There is confusion and chaos and rottenness in this world, and so much of it is because of offenses that never were solved, wrongs that were never made right. The tragedy of it is that much of it is among Christians, in churches, and in Christian families.

C. No wonder God’s Word says offenses should be solved and put away.

1. Ephesians 4:31-32 teaches, "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you."

2. Paul instructed Timothy to "war a good warfare; holding faith, and a good conscience; which some having put away concerning faith have made shipwreck," in I Timothy 1:18-19. Surely a clouded conscience of guilt and bitterness will shipwreck any body.

3. Peter wrote, "But, sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: Having a good conscience: that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ," in I Peter 3:15-16.

4. Paul was glad to say, "herein do I exercise myself, to have always a good conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men," in Acts 24:16.

5. Oh, how more Christians need to be this way today. Old wrongs, old hurts, disappointments, hard feelings, misunderstandings and injustices are devastating our communities, our churches, our homes and our friendships. Instead of clear consciences, they are all stained and clogged with hatreds, bitternesses, resentments and evil attitudes. How there needs to be a purging of these things that eat away like canker in the heart, and rob the life of happiness, peace and joy.

III. ONCE AN OFFENCE HAS OCCURRED,THE BIBLE TELLS HOW TO GET RID OF IT.

A. The definite thing not to do is ignore it.

1. Paul said, "Be not deceived, evil communications corrupt good manners," in I Corinthians 15:33.

2. Solomon wrote, "He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy," in Proverbs 28:13. That is not only true before God, but also before man.

3. You fellows wrong your wives, but ignore and act as though nothing is wrong, and you will find to your sorrow that she will have a continual pocket of bitterness toward you over that ignored wrong. The next time you get into an argument, you’ll see that it was there, for she’ll remind you about it. You parents ignore your mistakes with your children, and they’ll store up resentment against you, and as they begin to come of age, they’ll grow stubborn and rebellious against you.

4. Be it at church, on the job, with a neighbor, with your brother or sister, with your parents or children, with your husband or or where ever it be, you’d better not ignore offenses hoping they will go away. Solomon said, "The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly," in Proverbs 18:8. Be they wounds with the tongue or wounds of conduct, offenses will lay there and eat like a canker in the heart of the one who has been hurt. If ignored, they will one day produce a crop of bitterness that is capable of breaking your heart, separating you from your own children and destroying your home.

B. The way to eliminate offenses is to acknowledge them, repent of them, and confess them to the offended party. In other words, get them out in the open and get rid of them, and don’t let them stack up and ruin you.

1. Matthew 18:15-17 tells how you should not wait for your brother to come to you to clear up an offence against you. You should take the initiative.

a. Verse 12 will tell you that it should be done in a right spirit of love. In fact Ephesians 4:15 says the truth should be always spoken in love.

b. Sometimes your brother will not hear you when you go, and if he doesn’t, then it is to be taken to the church, although, if you go in genuine love to your brother, most of the time he will hear.

c. This is the step you should take when you have been offended.

2. Matthew 5:23-24 tells you what to do if you offend someone else.

a. It says go to him and clear it up.

b. Notice that whether you are the offended or the offender, there is a right and clear cut scriptural way to clear the offence.

3. There is just no reason why offenses should be ignored and let linger and accumulate until they ruin and wreck lives, but that is happening today. Wrongs are being done and no action is being taken to right or clear up those wrongs.

4. Oh, how this principle of honest confession of guilt and faults needs to be practiced.

a. James 5:16 says, "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another that ye may be healed," and that is surely speaking of physical sickness, although this commandment may also well be applied to the spiritual realm. Confession would heal lots of broken relationships. It would heal the breaches between fathers and sons, between husbands and wives, and between friends who’ve drifted apart.

b. Solomon promised of sins, "Whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy," in Proverbs 28:13. Some of you dads need to confess to your little sons that you’ve been wrong and that you’ve treated them wrong. Some of you old dads need to go to your grown up, married sons and repentently acknowledge some specific ways you wronged them, perhaps years ago, and ask their forgiveness, maybe in the way you raised them. What could possibly be wrong with admitting you were wrong, except your pride would be hurt?

c. There are many people, perhaps even you, who would rather refuse to confess guilt and stay miserable, than to swallow pride, confess a wrong and make it right and be happy.

5. The Lord said offenses will come; they are certain, but you don’t have to let them stay there and ruin you and your family.You can humble yourself and get them out of the way. If you’d go to your wife or husband, go to your parents or children, go to a lost friend, and genuinely and repentently acknowledge your wrongs, you might be very surprised at the mercy you’d get. You could clear the slate, get a clean conscience and a new lease on life. Why don’t you try it?

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"