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Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Provoking Parents - Part Two

Chapter Seven

INTRODUCTION: Text * Colossians 3:21

Parents, more than anyone else in life, can determine the kind of life a child will lead and the type of attitudes he will have. The Bible has much to say to children about how they should treat their parents, but it also is full of material about how parents should treat their children. One of the great Bible commands to parents in this regard is that parents provoke not their children to anger. Our text, Colossians 3:21 raises the point that if they do provoke their children to anger, the children are likely to "be discouraged." Discouraged here means disheartened, dispirited, or a negative spirit. The present subjunctive is used to indicate continual discouragement.

II. I WILL NOW FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON SEVEN SPECIFIC WAYS BY WHICH PARENTS ANGER THEIR CHILDREN; AND IN SO DOING DISCOURAGE THEM.

A. Your children become discouraged once they feel they can no longer communicate with you:

1. There are generally two sides to every story. And the side of your child may be the wrong side; but, if it is, find that out and show him that it is wrong. His side of the story may be the right side of the story; and if you don't let him communicate it to you, you are likely to take action and give discipline that is very unjust.

2. It is so very easy to prejudge a situation, especially with your own children. You hear a commotion or strife between your children, you see something broken or torn, you see some kind of mess, you hear some rumor or gossip, or maybe you just think your child has a suspicious look. You’ve seen this kind of problem so many times before, so you immediately jump to a conclusion that your child is guilty of wrongdoing. Then you start to mete out the punishment restrictions. All this has happened so quick that your child has not had a chance to communicate to you his side of the story. Now parents, God’s word says, "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again," in Matthew 7:1-2.

3. So many times I’ve seen children with broken spirits having been wronged by an angry parent, who later learned he’d made a mistake. I’ve heard those children through tears say, "Dad, Mom, I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen." Now parents, you keep making a practice of acting without listening, and your child will become so convinced that you are not going to listen that he will quit even trying to tell you. His spirit will be discouraged; he will feel "locked" in. First news you know, your child won’t be talking much to you, especially on real issues; communications will be gone.

4. Paul wrote in I Corinthians 15:33, "Be not deceived; evil communications corrupt good manners." I can assure you that when your child feels he or she can no longer communicate his feelings to you, he will be hurt or discouraged. This very thing is often the turning point downward in a child’s life. At this point he begins to grow bitter, resentful, defensive, hard and negative.

B. Early in this list of ways by which parents anger and discourage their children is their practice of chastening in anger.

1. God’s word to us is, "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God," in James 1:19-20. I can think of no place where this is more applicable than in dealing with your own children. Listen to what they say, and don’t get mad and punish them in anger. Punishment should only be given to correct, never to vent the anger of a parent. God’s example in Hebrews 12:10-11 conclusively establishes that truth.

2. The very fact of anger in a parent kindles anger in the bosom of the child, just as it does when two men are contending. If the child submits in the case, it is only because the parent is strongest, not because he is right. The child holds his anger while he yields to power. Too many times the child feels the parent punished him simply because he was strongest, not because he was right.

3. Dear parents, I tell you to never punish your child because you are angry. Do it because you are right, and let your child know that you are right. If you fail in this, your child will be left with a strong conviction that wrong has been done to him by the punishment. There will be resentment in him over the punishment, rather than a repentance for the wrong that he himself has done. Furthermore, he will feel that, because his parent was angry, it is not wrong for him to be angry. It is amazing how slyly we parents teach our children to have temper fits and such things. They learn by observing these traits in us. They learn how to deal with others by observing how we deal with them. Have you ever noticed how little children like to play "house" and "mommy and daddy" games? They are simply rehearsing what they are seeing in their parents.

C. Another discouraging practice of parents is their unjust chastening of their children.

1. Even little children have a pretty good sense of justice, and they don’t mind so much being chastened for what they know they deserve, but they do harbor ill will when they know they’ve been treated unjustly.

2. There are many ways to be unjust in chastening your child.

a. Giving him more punishment or restrictions than his offense deserves. Punishment should be commensurate with the offense.

b. Punishing him when he is not guilty. Get the facts.

c. Making him the scapegoat for frustrations and angers you have for other people and other issues.

d. Failing to punish your child when he knows he has it coming. If you do, he will subconsciously scorn you for it, and you open up a whole new area of wrong development in him.

e. Inconsistency in your chastening. This is letting them get by with wrongs many times and only correcting it occasionally. Be consistent in your punishment.

3. Many parents build a sense of injustice right into their children. Parents, Solomon said, "The path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day," in Proverbs 4:18, and "the memory of the just is blessed," in Proverbs 10:7. If you want to be guiltless before God in the day of judgment, and you want your children to respect you and grow up with a sense of justice, then be just in your dealings with them, especially in your discipline.

D. A fourth way that parents discourage their children is by giving them nothing but criticism.

1. That parent who always finds fault with a child, who is never satisfied with what he does, and who scolds and frets and complains, will break the spirit of that child and soon destroy in the delicate texture of his souls all desire of doing well. If your child can never please you (and they come here wanting to please you and, as little fellows, they try so hard to do it), he will eventually despair of ever pleasing you.

2. The child who lives with constant criticism soon learns to be critical. If the attitude of his parents is always negative, the child develops a negative attitude that often stays with him through life.

3. Children need to be praised and encouraged for doing right. Solomon wrote, "Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones," in Proverbs 16:24. He also said in Proverbs 15:26, "the words of the pure are pleasant words." It encourages a child to know that you are for him and not constantly against him.

4. Be "down" on him when he needs it, but be "up" on him when he deserves it. And even when you are down, let him know that it is because you love and care for him, and because you are seeking to help him get rid of the evil trait that is hurting him.

5. Simply be honest with your child. Don’t let his best efforts always get a frown. Don’t let your dissatisfaction be groundless. Don’t let his wrongdoing and mistakes get praise. Suppress the evil, and praise the good. Don’t flatter, for that will only build vanity and pride into your child. Instead give good, solid encouragement and praise for what he does right and for the good efforts he puts forth.

E. Another way of discouraging your child is to accuse him of being inferior.

1. This is one of the most cruel mental injustices a parent can inflict on a child. Cruel words sink down into the soul. Almost all children, and adults, have secret, serious doubts about themselves. They wonder if they are as smart as others. They suspect they are not as talented, as pretty or as athletic as someone else. They have a wart, blemish, speech defect or some unique point that they suspect makes them inferior. Once some- one, especially their own parent, tells them they are stupid, ignorant, dumb, ugly, uncoordinated, etc., it hurts to the quick. It confirms what the child already suspected and what other children may have said, and a child can brood on this sort of thing for years. Parents, be careful what you say to your children.

2. Don’t jump on them and accuse them of being dumb and stupid or in some way inferior. You can discourage them into an inferiority complex, which they will have to battle the rest of their lives.

3. Furthermore, your accusations of this sort testify against you that your set of values is all fouled up. It indicates that you think a child’s worth lies in his beauty, athletic skill or in some other talent. That is not true. The person is what is important, not how he looks or what he can do. Jesus said life is more than looks, talents and material possessions in Matthew 6:25. When you start accusing your child of being inferior, you are the one with the problem.

4. One other way of making your child feel inferior is constantly holding up other children as being superior, and praising talent, athletic skills and looks in others. If your child can’t match up to what he sees you admire in others, he will very likely feel inferior, especially if you can’t find points to admire and praise in him. Remember that Jesus said, "A man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth," in Luke 12:15. Let your child know that you value life and the good traits of the spirit which anyone can have, like faith, honesty, humility and integrity, not just the transient traits of the body, like talent and looks.

F. You can also discourage your children by expecting too much from them.

1. Not everybody has the same ability. Paul well establishes that point in I Corinthians 12:14-19. Some have greater learn- ing ability, music ability, athletic ability or other ability. Parent, you need to get things straight in your own mind if you are expecting from your child what he doesn’t have the ability to perform. Your objective should not be to have a child that excels over all other children. Your objective should be to help your child reach the maximum of his capabilities. With the widow who had only two mites, our Lord made clear that it is not what a person has that counts. It is what that person does with what he has that really matters. You have no right under heaven to expect from your child more than he is capable of doing.

2. Furthermore, you can’t really expect your child to do all he is capable of doing all of the time. He is human and not perfect. That means he is going to make mistakes, and you can’t really expect that he won’t. Isaiah the prophet said, "All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way," in Isaiah 53:6. You don’t live up to your capabilities all of the time. Surely you have no right to expect of your child what you yourself don’t do. Jesus made that crystal clear in Matthew 7:3, when He asked, "Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" He said in verse 5, "Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye."

3. Dear parents, be careful that you don’t expect too much from your children. Don’t expect perfection. They’re just humans, and they aren’t even mature yet. Work with them. Help them reach their potential, whatever it may be, but don’t browbeat them to death because of their mistakes, and in so doing discourage them.

G. The seventh point on this list of ways to discourage your children is failure to keep your word to them.

1. Children don’t want to be lied to any more than anyone else, and they have just as great a right to honesty as anyone. Parents, God tells you to provide "for honest things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of man," in II Corinthians 8:21. Surely that includes your children. Yet, we parents are so prone to promise a trip, a night out to eat, an outing to a lake, a new garment, a new toy or item of some other sort as they grow older and then to ignore or forget it when the appointed time arrives. We also let other things take priority over our word to our children. So, over and over, they are disappointed.

2. We don’t really intend to be dishonest or lie, but however we look at it, the child sees that we don’t keep our word. He sees that many other things are more important in our lives than he is.

3. Folks, I tell you that it especially hurts to be "let down" or "stood up" by someone in whom you have the greatest of trust. And kids do admire and trust parents, especially at first. You can easily see why as more and more "let downs" come in a child’s life, he gradually grows to resent and distrust his parents. He gets to where he doesn’t believe them anymore when they make promises. He doesn’t get excited about what they want to do, because he doesn’t believe they will carry through with their promises, and he doesn’t want to be hurt and disappointed again. He comes to view his parents as hypocritical and not true to their word. He’s been burned and let down too many times, and now he has grown bitter and hard over it.

4. Oh, fellow parents, how we need to heed the counsel of our God in all these points. He says in our text, "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged," in Colossians 3:21. Ephesians 6:4 says, "And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The kind of practices by parents which I’ve been discuss- ing will not develop Godliness in children; they will discourage it, the very thing we are warned against in Colossians 3:21. May God help us to heed His counsels as parents, that we may not lose our children to the snare of the devil.

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"