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Christian Family Principles
Written by Dr. Lester Hutson

Copyright - Lester Hutson - 1981
This material is copyrighted and may not be copied or reproduced without the express written permission of Dr. Lester Hutson.

Firm and Consistent

Chapter Three

INTRODUCTION: Text * Ephesians 6:1-4

Massive family breakdowns are occurring at an ever-increasing rate of speed. Not only are there ugly breakdowns between husbands and wives, but they are there in abundance between parents and children. Very few homes have a healthy, warm, parent-children relationship. In this area there is conflict, and though they dwell under the same roof, there is no right, good relationship between the children and the parents. Too many children are growing up to resent, scorn and even hate their parents. Many of them are rebellious and hostile, and often grow up to lives of crime, broken homes, laziness, materialism and general Godlessness. At the same time, parents are disappointed and frustrated at their children. Many are heartbroken at what they see, and so many wring their hands and say, "I just don’t know what to do. I did the best I could with my children."

But, in most cases that is not true. Most parents are not doing the best they can with their children. If the average parent would take the time to acquaint himself with what God’s Word teaches about child raising, he could do a much better job with his children, and in the process raise up decent, honorable children, plus save himself from many grievous heartaches. Parents, you are only kidding yourselves when you neglect or refuse to learn and practice what God’s Word teaches on child raising, yet say you are doing the best you can. When there is trouble in your home, and your children turn out bad because you’ve raised your children your way instead of by the principles of the Word of God, you have nobody to blame but your own self.

There are two basic policies which are absolutely essential to the proper training of children in the home. (These are also essential to training in school, at church, or anywhere else. They are even vital to the training of animals.) First, it is absolutely essential that you be firm in your approach with yourchildren. Secondly, it is absolutely essential that you be consistent in your approach. This is true with regard to the instructions you give them to follow, the chastening you administer for their wrongdoings, and the example you set before them.

So, the title of this chapter is "FIRM AND CONSISTENT" and the text is Ephesians 6:1-4. You may very well be training a crook or a bum in your home. With your attitude about child raising, you may be tying your own hangman’s noose. I am asking you to take to heart what I am about to set before you. I can guarantee you that failure in these areas will bring you heartache and troubles, but I can also guarantee you that the practicing of these policies will produce happy, decent, obedient children in most cases. Adherence to these Godly principles by enough parents could stem the tide of rebellion, laziness, immorality, crime, vice, violence and lawlessness that is smothering the life out of our country today.

I. PARENTS, UPON THE DIVINE AUTHORITY OF GOD’S WORD, I CALL UPON YOU TO BE FIRM IN YOUR APPROACH TO CHILD RAISING.

A. I don’t want you to misunderstand what I mean by firm. It is defined in Webster’s New World Dictionary to mean: 1) "not yielding easily under pressure; solid; hard," 2) "not moved or shaken easily; fixed," 3)"not fluctuating; steady; as a firm market," 4) "resolute; constant; as a firm faith," 5)"showing determination; positive; as a firm command," 6) "formally concluded; final; definite, as a firm contract." I think it is pretty clear that firm means meaning what you say, and having genuine conviction in what you do. It is a matter of being positive in word and deed.

B. This is exactly how God is in dealing with us.

1. You know that what He says, He means. He does not make empty threats or promises. Hebrews 10:23 says, "He is faithful that promised." If God made an empty threat or promise, it would be a lie, but God doesn’t lie, according to Titus 1:2. Parent, you ought to recognize it for what it is when you make an empty threat or promise: it is, in fact, a lie. Your children know it. This is also true when you have no conviction in the example you set before your children.

2. But, you can count on God. In Him there "is no variableness, neither shadow of turning," in James 1:17. What He has promised, He will also perform, according to Romans 4:21. God’s words in Isaiah 46:11 are, "Yea, I have spoken it, I will also bring it to pass; I have purposed it, I will also do it." Moses wrote in Numbers 23:19, "God is not a man that he should lie; neither the son of man that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?"

3. Folks, if you want to know how to properly deal with your children, consider how God deals with His children. You talk about a prime example, folks, this is it! God is merciful and gentle, yet absolutely firm, in dealing with us.

C. Parents, God tells us repeatedly in His word to be honest.

1. He says in Romans 12:17, "Provide things honest in the sight of all men."

2. He says in II Corinthians 8:21, "Providing for honest things: not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men." He tells us in II Corinthians 13:7, to "do that which is honest."

3. Honesty means doing what you say you’ll do. It involves convic- tions and meaning from the heart what you say. It involves your conduct harmonizing with what you say. Thus, Romans 13:13 says, "let us walk honestly."

4. Paul wrote "that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty," in I Timothy 2:2. I can think of no place where this is more essential and important than with parents before their children. Meaning what you say, doing what you promise, practicing what you preach is honesty, and failure in these areas is dishonesty. Parents, dishonesty in you will pollute and corrupt your children. It will make them view you as a hypocrite and resent you. It will cause them to lose respect for you and disregard whatever you say. It will cause untold miseries, heartaches and troubles in your home.

D. Let me show you the downward spiral of conflict and misery that dishonesty or lack of firmness with children initiates.

1. When you promise some nice thing to your child, then fail to perform that promise, or when you preach one standard of conduct for your child, then practice another yourself, or when your threats of punishment are empty, your child will soon lose respect for you, and develop a bitterness toward you in his heart. Paul warns about this in Hebrews 12:14-15. He says, "Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."

2. When bitterness develops in your child’s heart, you will find yourself unable to communicate with him, and you will see an alienation of affection between you and him.

3. The next step downward on this ladder of misery will be an ungrateful spirit in your child.

a. He will begin to weigh the benefits you give him against the offenses he has against you.

b. You will probably find yourself comparing the benefits your child is receiving with those you received as a child. You’ll tell him how much better he has it than you did.

4. That will in turn lead to stubbornness in your child and increasing rejection of your authority. In response to this stubbornness, you will find yourself nagging and coaxing your child to obey and do right. You’ll gripe and fuss and threaten.

5. But, Solomon wrote, "A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like The bars of a castle," in Proverbs 18:19. Nagging, griping and empty threatening usually lead to open rebellion. This is where the child establishes himself as an authority and demands an equal voice with you as parents. This is exactly what Satan did. He rejected authority and demanded an equal voice with God.

6. Parents, a continued lack of firmness or dishonesty on your part leads continually downward. Solomon wrote, "He that soweth iniquity shall reap vanity: and the rod of his anger shall fail," in Proverbs 22:8. You will find that the next step down the ladder of decay will be that your child will be mixed up with the wrong crowd. Rebels are drawn to those of like spirit, so you’ll find your child mingling with people "whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, and who mind earthly things," in Philippians 3:19.

7. Your response to this as a parent will be an investigation of your child’s friends, and a demand to know more about them, and you will find your child reacts to that with a defense of his sensual living. When he rejects God’s authority, and your authority, and sets himself up as the authority for his life, then his standards will be relative to what he thinks is right. He will begin to condemn or condone what he thinks is right.

8. Parents, that will lead your child to a fulfillment of his sensual desires. Galatians 5:19-21 promises that. He has himself as a fleshly authority and "the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these, adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness (sexual vises), idolatry, witchcraft (drugs and the administration thereof), hatred, variance (strife, contention), emulations (rivalry, jeal- ousy), wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like."

9. The next thing you’ll notice is that your child will start condemn- ing others, and focusing on hypocrites. He’ll point out hypocrites in the church, at work, in the government and at home. He’ll compare his goodness with theirs, and argue that he is just as good as 10. And to all of this you will find yourself as parents wringing your hands and saying, "We did the best we could; we just don’t know where we went wrong."

11. The next step for your child will be a deep sense of guilt, which leads to a mad search for more and greater excitement. This will only lead to more guilt and deeper depression. Solomon described this condition in Proverbs 14:12-13, "There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the ends thereof are the ways of death. Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness."

12. Sometimes this leads to suicide. James said, "But every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin; and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death," in James 1:14-15.

13. What about the parents? They are shocked, desperate, grieved and frustrated.

E. Parents, failure to be firm with your child puts evil seeds within him, and withholds the very thing that is necessary for his proper, natural development.

1. Your lack of firmness plants the ungodly, devastating seeds of permissiveness in him.

a. Permissiveness says let everyone do what he wants to do. It says do your own thing. It says there is no absolute truth, but all things are relative. It says nobody has a right to tell anybody else what to do, and that such effort violates your civil liberties. It’s permissiveness which would throw off all authority and which condemns the standards and principles that are set forth in the Word of God.

b. Permissiveness puts the idea in a child’s mind that he can do anything he wants to do anytime he wants to do it. It puts in him the idea that he doesn’t have to respect others, but that this world is for his pleasure. In a nutshell, permissiveness makes selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, sensual brats out of children.

c. Where permissiveness is, lawlessness prevails. As in the latter days of the judges of Israel, when "Every man did that which was right in his own eyes," according to Judges 21:25, there was chaos and lawlessness throughout the land.

d. Parents, if you want lawlessness and chaos in your home, and if you want troubles and heartaches and children in trouble, who grow up to be crooks, disrespectful and inconsiderate, then throw firmness to the wind and put the seeds of permissiveness in them. Then just sit back and wait for your shame and trouble to come, for they will. God has promised, "A child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame," in Proverbs 29:15.

2. Failure to be firm with your child withholds the meaning of the word "no" from your child, and the learning of that meaning is vital to his well-being throughout life.

a. Most children go through life, and lots of people tell them "no," but rarely, if ever, does anyone make it stand up. When they are babies, rather than teach them "no," parents put things out of reach. They get older and are told they can’t have what they want, or go where they want, but they see that temper tantrums and pouting gets it anyway. In older years, they hear lots of nagging and threatening, but "no" is rarely enforced. At school, at church and even with the law there is no real penalty for doing what they were told not to do. So, children never learn the meaning of "no."

b. Children are humans, and all humans are sinful by nature. They are by nature, "the children of disobedience," in Ephesians 2:2. Solomon said, "Lo, this have I found, that God hath made man upright: but they have sought out many inventions," in Ecclesiastes 7:29. Sure, temptation and lust are there in a child, and the older he gets, the more his sensual, sinful nature will manifest itself. Solomon said, "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child," in Proverbs 22:15.

c. So, whenever a child who has never been taught "no" wants to have immoral sex relations he just has them. He never learned to say "no" to anything else. Why should he say "no" to his sex passions, to drugs, to liquor, to crime or anything else his old fleshly, sinful, Adamic nature might desire? He has some mealy-mouthed, spineless parents who were permis- sive in their approach to child raising. They didn’t believe in being firm, so when Junior gets big, he just keeps on acting without restraint and with self-will, just like he has been taught to do by good ole Dad and Mom all his life. All this to the heartbreak and belated repentance of Mom and Dad, and ultimately to the guilt, depression, misery and possible death of Junior.

F. Parents, I am not overemphasizing to you the importance of being firm with your children. I am not saying be unfair, merciless, cruel or harsh with them. To the contrary, treat them with tender- ness, compassion, justice and mercy, but be firm. Do what you say. Keep the promises you make; administer the punishments you promise; practice what you preach; throw out your double standards, let your children know that you are committed to right and mean exactly what you say in your efforts to raise them up the right way. Once they see that in you, I can guarantee that it will make a world of difference for the better in your home and in the lives of your children.

II. AND PARENTS, DON’T JUST BE FIRM IN YOUR DEALINGS WITH YOUR CHILDREN, BE CONSISTENT IN WHAT YOU DO.

A. Again I remind you that God’s Word is a terrific example to follow in how to deal with your children, and one thing is sure. He is always consistent in His dealings with us.

1. Not only is He firm in always doing exactly what He has promised, but His principles never vary nor contradict each other, and you can count on Him to do exactly what He promised every time you check Him out on the promise.

2. His words in Malachi 3:6 are, "I am the Lord, I change not." Hebrews 13:8 refers to Him as "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever."

B. Even as our God is ever consistent with us, likewise we should be ever consistent with our children.

1. Many a child is confused and his life is distorted and misguided because there is so much inconsistency in his parents that he doesn’t know what to expect.

a. The child is told by his parents not to do some things because they are wrong and harmful, but he sees his parents doing these very things. For example, he is told drugs are harmful, dangerous and to be avoided. The parents put up a hissy about marijuana, but they consume lots of tobacco and alcohol, and Junior knows it.

b. Many a parent does it another way. They let the child get away with wrongdoing over and over with only empty threats. Then when they are angry about something else, or when they feel bad, they fly off the handle and beat the child half to death. You can bet that leaves the child confused, full of resentment and with a wounded spirit.

2. Parents, if you will practice firmness and consistency with your child, he will come to believe you and respect you as being one of honesty and integrity.

a. Paul said, "Be thou and example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity," in I Timothy 4:12.

b. My, how your child needs you as an example to follow, a hero to whom he can look up, one whom he can admire, respect and desire to follow. And Dad and Mom, your child will feel that way about you, if you will give him the right kind of honest, firm and consistent example to follow. As a child, you are his idol. And, it will stay that way unless you by deceit, hypocricy, dishonesty and perverted, incocsistent living, destroy that admiration and respect.

3. Your child won’t hate you for honest, fair discipline to make him do right. In fact, as he matures, he will love and appreciate you more and more for pointing him in the right way and for helping him to avoid the snares and pitfalls of life. Solomon said, "Correct thy son and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul," in Proverbs 29:17. No, your child won’t hate you for just firmness and consistency. He will come to hate you for letting him go to grow up to adulthood without learning character. Let his childish, foolish ways grow up to be hard, stubborn, obnoxious habits and attitudes in him, and he will scorn and resent you for life as a result.

4. Ephesians 6:4 of our text says, "And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admoni- tion of the Lord." If you are not firm and consistent, you will provoke your children to wrath and wreck your home, and their lives, in the process.

"It Does Make a Difference What You Believe"